Maxwell Ankomah Stats and Player Comparison -

Ranking major Avatars based on how cool of a boss they are/could be

Ranking upwards from 14. 1 being the best boss, 14 being an absolute piece of shit.
14, The Eye: Elias Bouchard
More like Elias BITCHard lmao
has the soul of a rat trapped in a human body
sees everything, doesn’t let you slack off
probably busts unions
just a real piece of shit
if you feel sick he just makes you read more statements instead of giving you sick leave
13, The Buried: “The Governor”
Traps you in a wall if you slack off
also a union buster probably
12, The End: Oliver Banks
gives you really weird looks constantly, like he knows something you don’t
says really weird cryptic stuff a lot of the time
11, The Corruption: Jane Prentiss
gets worms all over the workplace
probably supports unions, judging by the fact that she is the representative of many smaller organisms
terrible personal hygiene
10, The Desolation: Jude Perry
really fit, probably gives you workout tips after work
commits arson, her business is almost certainly illegal
gives firm, encouraging handshakes, that will also give you third degree burns
9, The Flesh: Jared Hopworth
will encourage you to get in shape, he ran a gym at one point
cares about you feeling happy in your body
good at cooperation, as displayed by his general cooperation with other entities and their avatars
might steal your bones
8, The Slaughter: Melanie King
knows how to persevere and push through obstacles, working for her requires hard work but it’ll certainly pay off
hot headed but if you’re a good employee she won’t let anyone harass you
might stab you
7, The Web: Annabelle Cane
she likes to keep her assets employees safe
probably knows everything about you but at least that’ll make small talk interesting
takes a hands off approach to being a boss even if she pulls all the strings
constantly invades your private life
6, The Vast: Simon Fairchild
does charity work
takes all of the employees on annual scuba diving and sky diving trips!
some of the employees don’t come back
5, The Dark: Maxwell Rayner
already a natural leader, he is literally a cult leader
his business would involve working on new scientific advancements including a horrible star of darkness and a wacky spaceship. Science is cool.
might breathe weird smoke into your mouth
4, The Stranger: Nikola Orsinov
runs a fucking circus
seriously, a circus? You know much fun that would be to work at?
really good at dance and other creative projects
has a really good sense of humour
might skin you alive
3, The Hunt: Daisy Tonner
probably the boss of a bodyguard or hitman business, which is pretty cool
the sort of boss that you could grab a beer with
cares for her friends and by extension, her employees
2, The Spiral: Michael/Helen
loves madness, I bet it lets employees wear casual clothes
is infinite corridors and space, you could probably play some fun games of hide and seek with all the employees
as long as you’re interesting, it’ll probably just fuck around with you a bit but otherwise be a pretty hands off (hehe) boss.
1, The Lonely: Peter Lukas
cares about his employees and loves to have one on one chats with them
supports unions and constructive criticism, when he first appeared to Martin he asked him what problems he had with Elias as a boss
the sort of guy that you could have a friendly bet with
might let you into The Lonely if you feel stressed or just need to take a lunch break in peace
submitted by Father-Ignorance to TheMagnusArchives [link] [comments]

Lynn de Rothschild – one of the closest people to Epstein, Maxwell and Prince Andrew who knew them for decades but her connections are rarely mentioned in the mainstream media.

There have been articles in the mainstream media about Epstein and his connections to politicians and billionaire families – Wexners, Dubins, Bronfmans, Leon Black and others.
But there is one person who may have been the closest to them all but her Epstein connections are rarely mentioned in the mainstream media – Lynn de Rothschild - the wife of Evelyn de Rothschild who was mentioned in the Epsteins "black book".
The reason why she is not mentioned in the media is probably the fact that Rothschilds are more influencial and more powerful than the other billionaires mentioned. The family has been one of the richest if not the richest family in the world since 19th century ( The Independent )
and she has the highest level political connections in the American society – she has been close to and has been fundraising the political campaigns of the Clintons, John McCain and others. Some London banking industry insiders have estimated the family fortune to be over trillion dollars – and thats not gossip and rumors but that has been also reported in the British mainstream media.( The Independent )
The person who introduced Alan Dershowitz to Epstein was Lynn de Rothschild. She was close to Epstein and Maxwell for decades – which means that she knew Epstein longer than Alan Dershowitz for example
Dershowitz likes to say that he met Jeffrey Epstein through his friend Lady Rothschild—the former Lynn Forester. In 1996, Lynn Forester (who actually had not yet married into the Rothschild dynasty) suggested that he would enjoy getting to know Epstein, an “interesting autodidact.” Epstein, who had grown up in Coney Island and dropped out of college, was an unimposing person, described by one friend as “shy, weird, introverted.” ( New Yorker )
Lynn was also a big fan of the notorious pervert – she sold him her apartment ( below market value ) and attended various thinktanks with him together.
She once wrote to president Bill Clinton: 'Dear Mr President: It was a pleasure to see you recently at Senator Kennedy's house. There was too much to discuss and too little time. Using my fifteen seconds of access to discuss Jeffrey Epstein and currency stabilization, I neglected to talk to you about a topic near and dear to my heart. Namely, affirmative action and the future,' she wrote. ( Daily Mail )
Lynn de Rothschild and the billionaires offshore tax advisor of the famous banking dynasty sold a New York apartment to Epstein for about 70 % below market price. What was it - a tax avoidance scheme ? Manhattan townhouse was purchased for $4.95 million in October 2000 by an anonymous corporation with the same address as Epstein’s finance office on Madison Avenue. The seller was Lynn Forester Rothschild. Forester sold the mansion for about $8.5 million less than its assessed market value, which was more than $13.4 million ( )
The house where Ghislaine Maxwell lived at 116 East 65th Street was listed as belonging to Jeffrey Epstein. A corporation was created for the house ( Thethreadapp ):The Manhattan property, which is close to Epstein’s mansion, is owned by Lynn Forester de Rothschild, wife of the British financier Sir Evelyn Robert de Rothschild.The phote in the Epstein black book where the address is marked as "Apartment for Models"
Prince Andrew had the image of playboy and a party animal decades ago – hence his nickname Randy Andy. It was Lynn de Rothschild who found it to be her duty to polish the Prince Andrew image. See the 2001 article in The Mail : " Can Lynn rescue Andrews image ? How Sir Evelyn de Rothschildś socialite wife has gathered some of Americaś most influencial media figures to clean up the Duke of York´s playboy reputation."
Her husband – Evelyn de Rothschild was also in the Epstein black book. Her husband Evelyn has an estimated net worth of 20 billion dollars, ( Celebrity Net Worth ) The portal estimates the family fortune to be 400 billion dollars, but this could be just a tip of the iceberg.One of the biggest British mainstream newspapers The Independent wrote in 2006: “But in another way it marks out the continuation of an even older tradition - the ability of the family which has founded one of the world's largest private banking dynasties to sustain their secretive fortune, which industry insiders count NOT IN BILLIONS BUT IN TRILLIONS, and keep it within the family. Secrecy has been a hallmark of the Rothschilds from the outset. ( The Independent )
Two billionaire families – Rothschilds and Bronfmans have close connections. They have formed joint ventures together , like Bronfman Rothschild advisory where Lynn served as a member of the board.
Two members of the Bronfman family - Clare and Sara were arrested in 2019 for bankrolling the NVXIM sex trafficking cult - which means that they basically owned the operation. The sisters invested about 150 million dollars in the operation.
Documents from Britain’s national archives,which academics at University College London are studying, showed that Rothschild, a founder of the banking dynasty, had allowed the use of slaves as collateral when banking with a slave owner, the FT said. The documents also indicated that Freshfield, an early partner in the law firm, acted as a trustee for some clients in deals involving Caribbean slave plantations. ( Financial Times )After the revelations in 2009 the British investment bank Rothschild and top law firm Freshfields said that they “greatly regret” past links between their founders and the slave trade. The 19th century founders Nathan Mayer Rothschild and James William Freshfield both supported the abolition of the slave trade, with Freshfield having been an active member of the Church Missionary Society. But new historic research shows both were engaged in business linked to the slave trade, the Financial Times has reported. Both companies issued statements on their websites on Wednesday in which they said they had been unaware of the connection. ( Reuters )
Rothschilds were one of the slave traders but this is not something special and many jews at the time were slave traders. Using the research of Jewish historians, a book suggests that based on the 1830 census, Jews actually had a higher per capita slave ownership than for the white population as a whole." ( The Atlantic Magazine – Slavery and the Jews )
Its an interesting fact that Epsteins close friend Alan Dershowitz once accused a democratic party nominee Keith Ellison of being antisemitic because Ellison had claimed that jews were once a primary force in the slave trade ( The Hill ). Dershowitz threatened to leave the democratic party if Ellison gets elected anywhere. It is interesting because Wikipedia actually says that jews were once a primary force in the African slave trade:( ):
Records of long-distance Jewish slave merchants date at least as far back as 492, when Pope Gelasius permitted Jews to import non-Christian slaves into Italy, at the request of a Jewish friend from Telesina.[27][28][29] By the turn of the 6th to the 7th century, Jews had become the chief slave traders in Italy, and were active in Gallic territories. Pope Gregory the Great issued a ban on Jews possessing Christian slaves, lest the slaves convert to Judaism.[29][30] By the 9th and 10th centuries, Jewish merchants, sometimes called Radhanites, were a major force in the slave trade continent-wide.[11][31][32] *Jews were one of the few groups who could move and trade between the Christian and Islamic worlds.[32] Ibn Khordadbeh observed and recorded routes of Jewish merchants in his Book of Roads and Kingdoms from the South of France to Spain, carrying (amongst other things) female slaves, eunuch slaves, and young slave boys. He also notes Jews purchasing Slavic slaves in Prague.[11][29][33] Letters of Agobard, archbishop of Lyons (816–840),[34][35][36][37] acts of the emperor Louis the Pious,[38][39] and the seventy-fifth canon of the Council of Meaux of 845 confirms the existence of a route used by Jewish traders with Slavic slaves through the Alps to Lyon, to Southern France, to Spain.[11] Toll records from Walenstadt in 842–843 indicate another trade route, through Switzerland, the Septimer and Splügen passes, to Venice, and from there to North Africa.[11]*American mainland colonial Jews imported slaves from Africa at a rate proportionate to the general population. As slave sellers, their role was more marginal, although their involvement in the Brazilian and Caribbean trade is believed to be considerably more significant.[13] ( )

Epstein and Lynn as members of the Council on Foreign Relations, Trilateral Commission and the Bilderberg Group
Epstein and Lynn were members of the Council on Foreign Relations and Trilateral Commission together.She has also attended the meetings of the Bilderberg Group. Lynn even met her husband Evelyn de Rothschild at the 1998 Bilderberg Conference, the annual meeting of European and North American political and financial grandees, she was there as an American lawyer and businesswoman. They married in 2000. A dinner celebrating their union was attended by then president Bill Clinton and his wife Hillary, with whom the couple are close friends. The Rothschilds were reported to have spent a night of their honeymoon at the Clinton White House. Indeed, Lady de Rothschild was so involved with Hillary’s presidential campaign that she had little time to devote to her own company R Chocolate. But she is on the board, as well as serving as chair of EL Rothschild, a director of Estée Lauder, the cosmetics company, and a non-executive director of the Economist Group. “I love developing businesses,” she says. ( Financial Times )
Epstein was also mentioned in a 1995 letter sent to Clinton by businesswoman Lynn Forester de Rothschild. 'Dear Mr President: It was a pleasure to see you recently at Senator Kennedy's house. There was too much to discuss and too little time. Using my fifteen seconds of access to discuss Jeffrey Epstein and currency stabilization, I neglected to talk to you about a topic near and dear to my heart. Namely, affirmative action and the future,' she wrote. ( Daily Mail )
Lady Lynn Forester de Rothschild is not just a Clinton friend, she was a campaign surrogate for Clinton in 2008 and a campaign contribution bundler in the current election cycle. She is in the inner circle of the national Democratic Party. In one email, released this week by Wikileaks, she advises reigning in Senator Elizabeth Warren's economic message as being too left.
Close Hillary Clinton friend Lynn Forester de Rothschild (Economist publisher) is also a trustee of the John McCain Institute.
Ms. de Rothschild, a personal friend and prominent backer of Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton and a member of the committee that helped draft the Democratic Party’s platform, announced on Wednesday that while she intended to keep her party affiliation, she would not be voting for Senator Barack Obama. The Democratic Baroness Endorsed McCain-Palin Ticket instead. ( NY Times )
There is a difference between Clintons and McCains when it comes to Epstein though – while Clintons were close to Epstein and even had a holiday in his ranch – Cindy McCain has said that "Epstein was a chickens--t for doing what he did," she said. "He should have faced the music, that one." ( Arizona Central )
"The few who understand the system, will either be so interested from it's profits or so dependant on it's favors, that there will be no opposition from that class." Rothschild Brothers of London, 1863 ( Wikipedia – Federal Reserve Act )
Totally random quote by former Facebook vice president Chamath Palihapitiya speaking to Stanford students: ( ) ( Youtube ) :
Well, look, here's the thing. There's about 150 people that run the world. Anybody who wants to go into politics, they're all fucking puppets, OK. There are 150, and they're all men, that run the world. Period. Full stop. \*They control most of the important assets, they control the money flows, and these are not the tech entrepreneurs.** Now, they [tech entrepreneurs] are going to get rolled over in the next 5-10 years by the people who are really underneath pulling the strings. And when you get behind the curtain and see how that world works, what you realize is that it is unfairly set up for them and their progeny. Chamath Palihapitiya* Youtube )
submitted by ringthebell2 to Epstein [link] [comments]

[Translation] Old Dragon's Tale Chapter 5. Training Ends

There was an ancient man-shaped dragon living on a mountain, and by his side a girl who looked after him.
One day, the girl asked the dragon, "Please tell me more about you."
The dragon answered, "Okay, but it’ll be a long story.”
— A Spin-off Work of Mushoku Tensei by Rifujin na Maganote
Previous Chapter Novel Updates Next Chapter

Chapter 5. Training Ends

Dragon Roar, a mountain in the central part of the continent.
There, as usual, a girl was carrying something with her.
It's Rostelina.
In the large tub carried by Rostelina was a pile of meat.
The girl didn't know what kind of meat.
Laplace just told her to take it and give it to the dragon.
The cave behind the house.
There was a huge dragon there.
With its eyes closed and snoozing, the dragon was asleep.
"Dragon-san, dragon-san, meal time!"
After Rostelina yelled at the dragon, it slowly opened its eyes.
Then, after a loud yawn, it thrusted its neck into the tub in front of him and began to chow on the meat inside.
What might be a snack for the dragon would serve as a rather full meal for Rostelina.
Rostelina watched as the dragon ate. Now that she was finally free, she began to punch the air in front of her.
"Dragon-san, listen! Master told me about the Dragon Race fighting style. Like this! First you pose like this, then strike to your side, then punch like this! Oh, you have to shout like, Haa!”
Rostelina said, and began tapping the claws of the busy dragon. Her moves could not be called elegant.
To the dragon, the attack might as well have been a mosquito bite, completely harmless.
However, perhaps it hated getting pestered, or just playing along, it moved its claw.
It was a huge dragon.
Even the tip of its toe was as big as the body of Rostelina.
Rostelina was flung by the claw and sent spinning on the ground.
"Oww... That’s too far..."
Rostelina was not injured.
She got up, rubbing the back of her head and suddenly noticed something.
"...Dragon-san is bigger than the other dragons."
Rostelina had seen red dragons before.
Rather, they flied by on a daily basis.
There were red dragon nests on the mountain peak.
Sometimes they’d circle the house and get too close.
But the house dragon would chase it away.
The dragon in front of her was considerably larger than the red dragons.
Its body alone would have been twice as large as the average red dragon, and three times as wide with its wings spread.
"Your scales are a beautiful red, your fangs are long, your tail is lithe, and your eyes gleam with intelligence."
The dragon snorted when Rostelina said that.
“Ah, so you can tell,” the dragon seemed to say.
"It’s true after all, is Dragon-san just like Master, a Dragon from the Dragon World?"
The dragon heard but did not answer.
Too focused on its delicious meal.
In the first place, the dragon could not speak.
Even if it understood her, it couldn’t reply with words.
"Oh, right!"
Then Rostelina remembered something.
She fell asleep the other day.
“If you listen to the rest of that story, you may find out about the dragon,” she thought.
No better time than now, Rostelina decided and ran home.
She entered the house and went straight to the usual study.
There again today, Laplace was writing on his desk.
"Master! Master!"
"Hmm, oh, Rostelina. What's wrong? You were just asleep, did you have a scary dream?"
"No, last night was a fun dream of flying in the sky! More importantly, Master!"
"What is it?"
Laplace looked at her with a stern look as Rostelina spoke.
"Tell me the rest of the story!"
"The story from before?"
"The story of Laplace-sama in the Dragon World! You lived a long life, and you haven’t told me everything yet!”
Laplace looked troubled by her words.
"Ah, the story from before... but it's not very interesting. After that, I became a full-fledged dragon warrior, got a job, did some great things and earned some renown, and ultimately lost everything. That’s that.''
"I don't understand at all!"
"Is that right...?"
"Fine then, please tell me how you tamed Dragon-san. You knew Dragon-san for a long time, right?"
Hearing her, Laplace slapped his hands.
As if remembering something.
"That’s right, I met Saleyakt when I was assigned my first job. It's followed from the previous story."
"See, you were fudging it after all!"
"Do you want to hear it?"
"I want to hear it!"
Laplace shook his head at Rostelina’s begging.
He sighed, had no choice but to sit back on his chair.
"Okay, sit down, Rostelina. Let's continue the story from that time."
"Well, where did we begin? Well... I think the easiest thing to understand is from the end of my education. OK, let's do that."
Then Laplace began to speak.
A story from a far-away mythological era.
Decades passed since Laplace’s education in the Dragon World began.
Everyday classroom learning, combat training, and flight practice, repeat.
The same one to the next.
Only difference was Lunaria-sama’s stomach growing slightly each day.
That day, I was flying over the training ground.
As usual, I was doing flight practice.
However, my style of flying ended up slightly different from the other Dragon Races.
The Dragon Race usually flies with their bodies flat.
After generating the initial lift from forming a force field, they’ll use the wind for lift to fly and glide.
Only when changing direction or to gain altitude, is the force field needed again.
That's the most efficient way to fly.
However, back then, I could fly only with my body standing perpendicular to the ground.
Ignoring inertia like that, rapid acceleration, sudden stop, quick turn, repeated.
Anyone used to the flight of Dragon Race would consider it a sight to behold.
In fact, there were many people that stared at me on the slopes of the training ground.
Not just children. Also a few Dragon Warriors.
Not only did they look, but some tried to copy me, but were unable to control their movements and fell.
I ignored them.
I repeated my flight practice routine without a second thought.
Rapid rise, a quick corner turn, another corner turn, a sudden stop midair, then rapidly accelerate, deep dive, another sudden stop, then a quick ascend back to my initial position.
More or less.
The style of flight is very unstable and uses too much Dragon Touki.
Almost everyone who tried to imitate me failed.
Compared to the typical way Dragon Race flew, it’s very inefficient.
However, there were advantages.
The flying style, using almost no lift from air, can make very sharp turns.
Besides Dragon God, Dragon General Maxwell was said to be the strongest flier, but I was even more agile than him with this style.
This is a great advantage when fighting in the air.
A person on the slope leaped and flew toward me.
A Dragon Race woman with exceptionally large wings and white silver scales.
Yes, Dora-sama.
Dora-sama rose gracefully, almost like a dance.
It's not unusual.
Dora-sama sometimes surprise attacked me like this to teach me aerial combat.
Dora's flight was fast.
Unlike mine, it was a flight method that did not deviate from the common sense of the Dragon Race, but its speed and technique far surpassed mine.
She climbed at a tremendous speed and repeated subtle movements to adjust her route.
And caught up with me who was trying to escape with a sharp turn.
Originally, she would have stuck my back.
However, there was another advantage to my way of flying.
You can keep flying while facing your opponent.
"Laplace, start!"
Dora-sama shouted and I answered. The aerial fighting began.
The basis of Dragon Race fighting consists of three elements.
Cover one’s claws with Dragon Touki, the claw technique for cutting the enemy.
Cover one’s fists with Dragon Touki, the fang technique to chew through the enemy.
Cover one’s wings with Dragon Touki, the wing technique for rapidly accelerating or decelerating to change one’s positioning.
Take the opponent’s back with the wing technique, weaken the opponent with the claw technique, and cause fatal injury to the opponent with the fang technique.
Train your claws, fangs, and wings to make your body strong.
These were the fundamental lessons of the Dragon Race, "Teaching of Nail, Fangs, and Wings".
Of course, I also knew the fundamentals well.
I was especially good at the fang technique.
My fang technique had enough destructive power for Dora-sama to call it "deadly".
On the other hand, Dora-sama was good at claw technique.
She never raised a fist having such confidence in her claw technique.
Dora-sama circled me, aiming at my wings with her claws.
On the other hand, I repeatedly climbed and descended, aiming to counter her with my fangs.
Fully enveloping my claws, fangs, and wings with Dragon Touki, poking for holes in her defenses.
Even Dora-sama, if my strike landed true, would become my prey.
Therefore, Dora-sama didn’t attack continuously, and her claw technique did not weaken me by much.
Mmm? Was I strong enough to match the Five Dragon Generals at that time?
No, it was just training, so if Dora-sama fought me seriously, it would be over in a moment.
Even when Dora-sama went easy on me, she still had technique and experience far beyond me.
The battle was one-sided.
Dora-sama’s lightning fast claws pierced my defenses and made a hole in my body.
My nails and fangs were blocked and parried, not even a scratch on her scales.
There was a big difference in power between Dora and me.
I bared Dora-sama's onslaught as much as I could, enduring it to avoid a fatal blow.
I could withstand one or two attacks.
However, even my wings couldn’t protect me after several more blows.
After I was weakened, the blows landed more frequently, and it was only a matter of time before I fell.
In fact, I always lost like that.
However, I was not blindly defeated each time.
I was always thinking and trying various countermeasures.
That day too, I bet on a new strategy.
Shifting my wings, I escaped to the top.
Of course, Dora-san followed me.
From the silent chase, I could sense an anger from her like never before.
Probably she thought I was running away.
She didn't teach me to turn away and run.
Dora-sama rapidly closed in on me.
With my back toward her, my vulnerable wings were exposed to her.
A strike at my wings and I fell.
Then, what would be waiting after that was a sermon by Dora-sama.
But that didn't happen.
Immediately before I was overtaken by Dora-sama, I quickly turned around near the apex and attacked.
Dora-sama climbing as I was falling.
Because of the rapid change in our relative speed, Dora-sama misjudged the situation.
I swung my nails through Dora-sama's back side as we crossed.
The strike was true.
However, at the same time, I felt a burning sensation around the base of my wings.
I lost control and fell to the slope, fumbling.
The battle was over.
I looked up the slope.
Dora-sama was flying in an arc midair.
It was courtesy of the Dragon Race for the winner to take a few laps in the air.
Despite my strategy, how’d Dora-sama find my back?
I’ll be reprimanded.
However, I was willing to accept it.
I thought too simply and lost.
I thought, but Dora-san was not angry.
"When you ran suddenly, I was wondering if it was over... but that ending was good!"
With a satisfied smile, Dora-san was bleeding from her forehead.
My strike scratched Dora-sama on her forehead.
It was a shot aimed at the wings, but I probably hit her head as she turned around.
The wings were of course our weakness, but since the Dragon Race is humanoid, our heads must be protected as well.
It was a coincidence, but I hit Dora-sama's weaknesses.
"Except for Dragon God-sama and the Five Dragon Generals, there is no one who can hit me in the air! In terms of flight and combat techniques, you pass!”
I was delighted.
Dora-sama usually didn’t praise me much.
These words could be called the greatest compliment.
Dora-sama continued to make me merry.
"Furthermore, I have no more knowledge to teach you. You already know more than most Dragon Race!”
Dora looked down at me, her expression softened.
The always stern Dora-sama laughed.
"You are a full-fledged Dragon Race. This completes your education."
Dora muttered, "Good job," and reached out to me.
I grabbed the hand and stood up, crossed my arms before Dora-sama with my wings folded.
At that time, I had an indescribable sense of accomplishment, and a slight anxiety.
To be honest, I thought that the training would last until I died.
But if something has a beginning, it will have an end.
“Dora-sama, thank you for everything.”
"You don't need to thank me, but don't forget the words of thanks to Dragon God-sama."
"Then go back home and wait! Dragon God shall judge your progress!"
That was the end of my training.

I returned home and reported to Lunaria-sama that my training was complete.
When she saw that she made a benevolent smile, looking genuinely happy.
"Then we’ll have to celebrate today!"
She said and went to order the servants to prepare a feast.
For Dragon Race, other dragons are the main staple.
Previously, the Dragon Race may have subsided on small lizards or fruits to survive, but that changed after gaining strength.
Red Dragons, Blue Dragons, and Earth Dragons.
After all, for the Dragon Race, celebration meant meat.
On special occasions, special dragons are served.
The flesh of rare dragons like King Dragon, Black Dragon, or White Dragon.
Many treats that day that even I couldn't usually eat came out.
I can't forget the taste of that day.
But more than the taste of the food, there are other things I can't forget.
The servants looked at me a little differently after that day.
To be specific, I became a man rather than a dog.
By completing the training of Dora-sama, I had become a full-fledged Dragon Race in their eyes.
I remember some changes within me as well.
I no longer considered myself as the pet.
Transformed from the Royal Pet of Dragon God to the loyal servant of Dragon God.
Anyways, I started to become more self-conscious of my position.
Then I waited for the return of Dragon God.
Dragon God returned to the mansion every few months.
When he came home, he always went to Lunaria-sama, to greet her and confirm her well-being.
Of course, that didn’t mean ignoring me either.
Dragon God always asked Dora-sama about my training.
Dora-sama would report everything about what she taught and how well I understood it.
Sometimes, no growth was observed, but Dora-sama never lied.
Dragon God never said anything in response, just nodded and had her continue.
Also, as I became able to speak, he started asking me questions.
The usual questions.
Mainly what you did today, what you learned, what do you want to learn, etc.
I answered them honestly.
There was no reason to lie.
Sometimes I didn’t have any new results, or couldn’t grasp the new lessons, but I didn’t lie.
I learned from Dora-sama's that it was rude to tell a lie.
However, there were things I couldn't answer even if I didn't mean to lie.
Where were you born?
Who are your parents?
Why were you in the corner of the Demon World...
I couldn't answer those questions.
Because I didn't know.
When I said “I don’t know”, Dragon God-sama would just reply, “I see.”
I shriveled into myself.
I know I was an unusual existence, and Dragon God-sama wished to know what made me special… But since I didn’t know, it couldn’t be helped.
Dragon God also examined my body sometimes.
Wings, claws, fangs, and hair.
Dragon God did not explain anything, but I entrusted myself to him without complaints.
As my benefactor who brought me to the Dragon World, I would have willingly subjected myself to him even if he wished me harm.
Of course, Dragon God never harmed me in any way.
That kind of report and inspection ended as well that day.
"Dora. How was Laplace?"
"His training is complete. Laplace is now an excellent Dragon Warrior that won’t embarrass Dragon God-sama.”
I was glad that Dora-sama said that to Dragon God-sama.
I could only straighten my back a bit and gripped my fists tight.
I could not embarrass myself in front of Dragon God.
"That's right. Thank you. Laplace did well?"
"Yes! He’s excellent! Laplace should be able to do everything Dragon God-sama assigns him!”
Dragon God muttered, turning to the window.
He's a brilliant man, but even he needs time to consider what work to assign me.
Of course, I didn't even think about it.
That's right.
Do you train dogs to do human work?
Certainly not.
No matter how much training, a dog is a dog.
However, my mindset was changing a little.
If I was given a job, I would gladly accept it.
"That’s right..."
What kind of work is coming?
My heart raced as Dragon God considered for a while his next words.
Even though it felt like a while, it was only a few minutes.
But it felt like hours.
Perhaps reaching a conclusion, Dragon God looked away from the window and turned toward me, asking.
"Laplace, what do you think of the Dragon World?”
The question was unrelated to my job, but I answered it openly.
"It's a paradise. There's no better place than this."
The words made Dragon God soften his expression.
It was a smile.
I had no intention of flattery.
For me, this was a paradise.
Meals would come even if you didn’t ask, and you were taught various things.
Dora-sama was stern, but for a bright future I couldn’t be happier to have her.
It was a relief to see Dragon God’s smile.
Reading the mood, I asked.
"Why did you help me?"
It was rude to question Dragon God.
Dora-sama taught me that, but my mouth might have lost to my curiosity.
Or maybe I wanted a solid answer, whether I had a job in the future or not.
What do I work for?
Because it’s an order from Dragon God-sama… but it helps to know the details.
When Dragon God looked at me, it was a terrifyingly blank expression.
Dora-sama's shoulders stiffened, her wings slowly opening.
When I saw them, I immediately realized my rudeness.
So I immediately crossed my arms and folded my wings.
Please accept my apology and forget my question.
However, before that, Dragon God opened his mouth.
Once again, Dragon God looked out the window.
Outside of the window, you can see the cityscape of Kayos.
Even though it's inside a cave, it's a bright, wide and lively town with many a Dragon Race flying around.
"Once upon a time it was a Red Dragon's nest."
"…Is that so?"
"Yes, the Red Dragon was a creature that lives within the mountain like us. The Dragon Race was weak and preyed upon by the Red Dragons."
The story of the Dragon World that I didn't know as told by Dragon God.
Dragon God came before the Dragon Race that did not even have a language.
He went before his people who were terrorized by the Red Dragons, demonstrated his power and became their chief...
He found Five Dragon Generals and divided the clans, raising them to become more powerful than everything else in the world.
It had been a daunting time.
Many hundreds and thousand died.
However, they steadily moved forward and the Dragon Race came to dominate the world.
"So I think of all Dragon Race as like my children."
Then, Dragon God turned to me and narrowed his eyes.
“Why I helped you. Even as a mix of Dragon Race and Demon Race, Dragon blood still flows through you so you are also my child.”
Although only half, I have never been so proud of my Dragon blood.
But the answer was not what I wanted.
I wanted to know how I could be of use to Dragon God.
As only a half-blood, I wanted to know how or where I could be useful.
Of course, it was rude to keep asking, so I stayed quiet.
Dragon God, being as brilliant as he was, saw through my distress.
“Of course, it wasn’t merely because of that… Recently, there have been strange disappearances all over the world. Nobody knew the cause or reason, nor where they disappeared to. If one had been transported to the Demon World and gave birth to you, then it might be a clue.”
"Were there any clues on me?"
"No, nothing at the moment.”
"In that case..."
"That’s fine. Regardless, I have great expectations for you.”
Still looking out the window, Dragon God continued.
"The second is to improve the deteriorating relationship with the demons. That race has been the enemy of the Dragon Race for thousands of years. Rumors that Dragon God is trying to destroy the demons have spread… Even though it is a pure fabrication.”
"Raising you, a mixed race of demons and dragons, can be proof that it is a misunderstanding."
Was that really evidence?
As I was persecuted by the demons in the demon world, I couldn't believe it.
Rather, I might have been an obstacle instead.
However, I didn't have the courage to say it.
If I said that and got kicked out of here, I would have had no place to go.
Dragon God-sama, Lunaria-sama, Dora-sama, and the servants.
Now that I got to know many people and could communicate, I couldn't stand returning to being alone.
"The third is for my child, who will be born soon."
Dragon God turned to face me.
No, behind me.
Looking deep in the mansion, toward Lunaria-sama.
"My wife, Lunaria, is a human race. Then my child will be a mixed race of Human and Dragon."
"As I said, anyone who has the blood of a dragon are my children. The Dragon Race worships me as a god and swore me their loyalty.”
I nodded at the words.
From prominent ones such as Dora-sama to Lunaria-sama’s servants, Dragon Warriors in the training field, and children in training facilities, there was no one who disliked Dragon God.
Everyone respected and worshipped Dragon God-sama.
"However, what if my child was born of a human race? They may be seen with a different eye."
I remembered their gaze when I went out.
Their alienating gaze.
It was the same here with the Dragon Race.
I didn’t mind it anymore, but if I had been a newborn child, it would have been tough.
"Therefore, I wanted them to get used to it by having another mixed race child like you.”
By letting me, who is a mixed race, walk around the town, the surrounding folks would eventually get used to it.
I served as a precedent that the mixed race itself is neither rare, horrible, nor repulsive.
"I also hope that you two, being both of mixed race, will understand each other better. I’m looking forward to that."
The third reason.
Dragon God-sama’s conclusion.
It was exactly the answer I wanted.
I couldn’t be more grateful to Dragon God-sama.
It was not just sympathy and charity to rescue me from my lonesome.
It had a purpose.
Moreover, the god before me had expectations for me.
As a comrade to his child.
I was never so happy.
"Rescuing you for my own reasons, are you disappointed?"
"No, it's the opposite."
I had made up my mind.
I would become someone useful to Dragon God’s child.
I’d do my best so that a mixed-race could live comfortably.
It had been decades since I started living in the Dragon Race society.
It was full of things I didn't understand.
However, I understood that as a mixed-race if I failed to make myself useful, it would not only bring disdain from others on myself but the unborn child as well.
I must use Dora-sama’s training and bring results.
That's what I should do.
“Let me be a source of strength to Dragon God!”
"I look forward to it."
At that moment, how to “give back to Dragon God” took shape in my mind.
It became clear what to do.
I wanted to do my best.
Of course, I had always intended to do my best until now.
But from that day on, its shape changed dramatically.
Having set a clear goal for myself, I became more focused.
Not only working harder, but also with more ingenuity and effort.
"Well, Dora."
Dora-sama was silent in the corner of the room during the talk.
"Laplace's job... do you have any ideas?"
"I thought before, why not have him work for me?!”
"That’s it?"
"No, of course not, if he has such a noble aspiration, better to keep him with me...”
Thinking back on that interaction back then, it’s kind of funny.
No matter Dragon God’s greatness, finding adequate work for me would certainly be a source of headaches. For Dora-sama to show a rare moment of selfishness...
However, Dragon God was the father of all Dragon Race.
Even for Dora-sama.
Accepting her selfish request was expected.
"Okay, that's fine since you say as much."
"Yes! Thank you!"
That’s how I came to be an underling of Dora-sama.
Did I mention Dora-sama’s work before?
It was dragon training.
Previous Chapter Novel Updates Next Chapter
Brought to you by the Mushoku Tensei Discord
  • Translator: Onii-sama
  • Editors: Kermit Purple, Speedphoenix
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GeForce RTX 2060 Review Megathread

RTX 2060 reviews are up.

PSA: Do NOT buy from 3rd Party Marketplace Seller on Ebay/Amazon/Newegg (unless you want to pay more). Assume all the 3rd party sellers are scalping. If it's not being sold by the actual retailer (e.g. Amazon selling on or Newegg selling on then you should treat the product as sold out.

Below is the compilation of all the reviews that have been posted so far. I will be updating this continuously throughout the day with the conclusion of each publications and any new review links. This will be sorted alphabetically.

Written Articles


Compared to previous generations, it’s not breaking the price-to-performance curve, as it is still an RTX card and pulling double-duty as the new entry-point for RTX platform support. That being said, there is no mincing words about the continuing price creep of the past two GeForce series. The price-to-performance characteristics of the RTX 2070, 2080, and 2080 Ti is what renders the RTX 2060 (6GB) a better value in comparison, and not necessarily because it is great value in absolute terms. But as an upgrade from older mainstream cards, the RTX 2060 (6GB) price point is a lot more reasonable than the RTX 2070’s $500+, where there more of the price premium is from forward-looking hardware-accelerated features like realtime raytracing.


We are impressed with this high-performing single 8-pin PCIe cabled mainstream Turing RTX 2060 FE that has great performance even at ultra 2560×1440. The RTX 2070 Founders Edition is priced at a reasonable $349 with no price premium over other partner RTX 2060s, and it is faster than either the GTX 1070 Ti in a higher price range or the more expensive premium factory overclocked RX Vega 56.

Digital Foundry

In the here and now, what we have is a card similar to the other RTX offerings in that there's the sense that buying now is effectively investing in a piece of hardware that doesn't have the software to fully exploit the technology on offer. However, the difference is that at the retail price of £330/€369/$350, there's a good deal here just in terms of standard rasterisation performance alone. it's cheaper than the launch price of the GTX 1070 while delivering significantly higher frame-rates, and you get the RTX features on top of that. To what extent the raw horsepower is there to execute a good ray tracing experience remains to be seen, but even without it, price vs performance is good and DLSS and variable rate shading have the potential to pile on the value. This is a well-priced product that deserves serious consideration at its recommended retail price.

Digital Foundry Video

Gamers Nexus

NVIDIA’s stance with the RTX 2060 is significantly more powerful than its RTX 2080 launch. The RTX 2060 is more reasonably balanced in its price-to-performance “ratio,” managing to make significant generational gains in performance without the severity of friendly fire competition that the RTX 2080 faced from the GTX 1080 Ti.
The RTX 2060 significantly bolsters its performance over the GTX 960, for holders-on of Maxwell, with over 2x gains across the board (often ~170% gains). Improvement over the GTX 1060 is also noteworthy, commonly at 50%. This is accompanied by an increase in price and power consumption, mind you, so there is still some brand migration of the SKU naming towards higher price categories, but the 2060 is more justifiable at its launch positioning than the RTX 2080.
The 2060 ends up at $350 baseline, no more FE pricing, and so is $100 over the initial GTX 1060 launch price (cards are now closer to $210) and about $140 over initial GTX 960 launch pricing. The card is also $150 cheaper than the RTX 2070, but critically can be overclocked (with relative ease) to nearly equate RTX 2070 performance in rasterization, which is how most games operate. For anyone who wants an RTX 2070 in performance but doesn’t have the funds, the RTX 2060 seems a good mid-step that can be pushed the rest of the way there. Of course, a 2070 can overclock and outperform the 2060 OC, but the point more comes down to money.

[Guru3D] - Link here:,1.html

We do think that the GeForce RTX 2060 is what the market needs. The GeForce RTX 2060 is plenty fast for any day gaming up-to say the Quad HD monitor resolution of 2560x1440. The added benefit is a handful of Tensor cores and the ability to put the RT cores to uses. This way at a relatively safe amount of money (349 USD) you get that good shader engine performance at 1070 Ti / 1080 performance levels and also the option to check out, try & see what the RayTracing hype is all about. The GPU that resides inside the RTX 2060, really is the RTX 2070 that is cut down. The 6GB of graphics memory seen over 8GB really isn't a hindrance either as long as you stick to that (Wide) Quad HD domain. Looking at it towards a competition point of view, the card positions itself in-between the two Vega cards, with it's the closest opponent being the Radeon Vega 64. The Raytracing and AI feature like DLSS is, of course, interesting but remain are a proof of concept and a bit of a gimmick until more games support it properly. Realistically the GeForce RTX 2060 is the safest bet at its 349,- asking price. Alongside the GeForce RTX 2070, this GeForce RTX 2060 is making a good impression. Let's hope the availability is good, and pricing indeed stabilizes at the advertised values.




Nvidia is fully aware that it needs to broaden the appeal of the RTX series of graphics cards quickly.
In a move that may surprise some, the GeForce RTX 2060 is based off the same die as the RTX 2070, marking a departure from how Nvidia usually introduces its mainstream champion GPU.
Healthy snips to both the front- and back-end of the architecture - fewer SMs, fewer ROPS, narrower memory bus, etc. - ensure that it is no immediate performance rival, but numbers remain very healthy at FHD and thoroughly decent at QHD.
Putting said numbers in context, RTX 2060 is a smidge better than the last-generation GTX 1070 Ti and about the same speed as the Radeon RX Vega 56, putting it firmly in the premium firmament. This is a proper gaming card.
Were you thinking about buying a last-gen GTX 1070 Ti, 1080, or Radeon RX Vega? The GeForce RTX 2060 is arguably the pick of the bunch at its supposed RRP.

Hot Hardware

The GeForce RTX 2060 proved to be a strong performer throughout our testing. Generally speaking, the RTX 2060 trades blows with a GeForce GTX 1080 and Radeon RX Vega 64 in some applications, but is somewhat slower overall. Versus the GeForce GTX 1070 and GTX 1060, however, there is no contest – the GeForce RTX 2060 is clearly the better performer by far. The RTX 2060 was particularly strong in the VR related benchmarks and it was also a good overclocker. With basic tweaks, you’ll likely bump up into the card’s power limitations while overclocking, but we were still able to take the GPU on our sample to over 2GHz, which is a significant jump over the stock 1,680MHz default max boost frequency.


All of which means that the Nvidia RTX 2060 is the perfect entry point to the world of real-time Ray Tracing and future-proofed for the day when DLSS is an option in the majority of gaming titles. It's fairly cool and quiet, doesn't break the bank, overclocks extremely well - often hitting stock RTX 2070 performance levels - and runs every title around. There isn't much not to like about it and it comfortably wins our OC3D Gamers Choice Award.

PC Perspective

As previously mentioned the full story of the RTX 2060 has not been told here, but these initial findings should at least provide a good idea of the RTX 2060's capabilities. A followup is planned covering such omissions as 2560x1440 game testing, ray tracing performance, and overclocking results, so look for that in the coming weeks.
As things stand the GeForce RTX 2060 is an impressive product as it brings performance that often compares to a GTX 1070 and even GTX 1080, above what might be expected from a "mid-range" offering, and while $349 represents a sizable investment for the mainstream 1080p gaming segment, this card is more of a QHD solution with very high FHD performance as well. What the various versions from board partners will retail for when the card goes on sale remains to be seen, so it would be premature to make a price/performance argument either way.
Based on our first round of testing the RTX 2060 provides impressive performance beyond 1080p, proving itself more than capable in games at higher resolutions and detail settings, and adds (of course) the ray tracing capabilities of the Turing architecture. The RTX 2060 is more than just a standard midrange GPU to be sure, and as we revisit the card post-CES and conclude our testing we will make a more definite conclusion.

PC World

The Nvidia GeForce RTX 2060 Founders Edition offers a ton of bang for your buck, delivering outstanding 1440p performance and enough frames to satisfy high refresh rate 1080p displays, as well as the ability to tap into the Turing GPU’s RTX ray tracing and Deep Learning Super Sampling technologies. The RTX 2060 runs cool and quiet, too, and Nvidia’s metallic, self-contained Founders Edition design remains stunning. This is a very good graphics card
It’s also a much more expensive graphics card than the one it’s theoretically replacing, the $260 6GB GTX 1060, maintaining the RTX 20-series pricing trend. At $350, the GeForce RTX 2060 is better viewed as a GTX 1070 successor. Through that lens, this new graphics card is only 10 to 20 percent faster depending on the game—a bit of a bummer after more than 2.5 years of waiting. Still, while the RTX 2060 can’t quite topple the GTX 1080 or Radeon Vega 64, it trades blows with the $450 GTX 1070 Ti.
I wish the performance leap over the GTX 1070 was bigger, and I wish that this card included 8GB of onboard RAM for better future-proofing (though it’s a worthy tradeoff to upgrade to ultra-fast GDDR6 memory). We’ve also only seen ray tracing and DLSS each appear in a single game so far. Despite those quibbles, the GeForce RTX 2060 Founders Edition is the best 1440p or ultra-fast 1080p gaming option you can buy under $500—well under $500.

[Tech Report]



The USD $349 price for the RTX 2060 may look daunting if you consider that predecessor GTX 1060 6 GB launched at $249 ($299 for Founders Edition), but you must take into account the massive performance increase over the GTX 1060, and we're not even counting the additional capabilities that tensor cores and RT cores bring to the table. By all intents and purposes, the RTX 2060 belongs to a higher market segment than the GTX 1060, and this is reflected in the card's performance.
At $350 the RTX 2060 renders a whole spectrum of previous-generation graphics cards obsolete. Given that it performs on par with the GTX 1080, it no longer makes sense to pick up a "Pascal" GTX 1070 Ti, or even its AMD rivals, the RX Vega 56 and RX Vega 64. It now makes sense to pick the RTX 2060 over any similarly priced Pascal or Vega graphics card for the simple reason that you get GTX 1080/Vega 64-like performance with the added advantage of RTX and DXR readiness. NVIDIA is serious about getting as many game developers to implement RTX as possible. If that's not all, DLSS is a very tangible feature-set addition that offers better visuals and performance than temporal anti-aliasing.


Up top—where RTX 2080 Ti, 2080, and even 2070 live—Nvidia is the only name in town. Its prices reflect this. If you want to play up in that league, you have no choice but to pay the company’s 'luxury tax.
RTX 2060 lands in more hotly contested territory, though. AMD’s Radeon RX Vega 56 can conceivably compete with a lower price, while Radeon RX Vega 64 demonstrates similar performance. Plenty of GeForce GTX 1070 and 1070 Ti cards vie for attention too.
In short, it’s not enough for GeForce RTX 2060 to replace a Pascal-based card at the same price, add RT cores and tell enthusiasts that the games are coming soon. No, GeForce RTX 2060 needs to be faster and cheaper than the competition in order to turn heads.
A price tag of $350/£330 puts GeForce RTX 2060 in the same territory as GeForce GTX 1070. It’s less expensive than AMD’s Vega 56 and Nvidia’s 1070 Ti. Yet, it beats both cards more often than not. The geometric mean of RTX 2060’s average frame rate across our benchmark suite at 2560x1440 is 77.9 FPS. Apply the same calculation to GTX 1070 Ti and you get 76.2 FPS. RX Vega 64 achieves 77.8 FPS. RX Vega 56 sits at 69.8 FPS. GTX 1070 lands just under that, at 67.2 FPS.
The other interesting take-away from the launch is that Nvidia’s hybrid rasterization/ray tracing approach is still viable down at the 2060’s price point. As far back as our first deep-dive into the Turing architecture, we wondered how useful 36 RT cores would be on TU106 compared to TU102’s 68 RT cores. Now, we have a derivative GPU with just 30 RT cores, and it’s capable of over 60 FPS at 1920x1080 with all options, including DXR Reflection Quality, set to Ultra in Battlefield V. No doubt, that’s a testament to EA DICE and its optimization efforts, which continue in the form of an upcoming patch to enable DLSS support.
Still, we don’t draw conclusions based on what might happen down the road. Fortunately for Nvidia, RTX 2060 is generally faster than much more expensive cards in today’s games. Its 160W TDP does correspond to that higher performance. But it’s also still significantly more efficient than AMD’s Vega 56. We’re relatively confident that RTX 2060 Founders Edition, specifically, will see limited availability on Once it’s gone, Nvidia’s board partners need to keep prices close to the $350/£330 benchmark or else risk being undercut by very real competition from AMD and Nvidia’s previous generation.

Computerbase - German

PCGH - German

PCMRace - Portugese

Video Review


Tech of Tomorrow

Hardware Unboxed - Discussion about his lack of RTX 2060 Day 1 Review



Hardware Canucks


Paul's Hardware

The Tech Chap

[OC3D] - TBD

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A story i am working on feed back and ideas are welcome in the comment

Chapter 1, Loss
As the train is passing through the radioactive desert Tallon spots a starving caravan just two miles east. “Maxwell stop the train for a bit.” Tallon ordered to Maxwell.
“On it.” Replies Maxwell. As the train tugs to a stop Luna wakes up, she asks Maxwell with a yawn, “What’s going on?”
“Oh, Tallon just need to go check something out.” Maxwell replies. Tallon hops off the train and starts walking towards the starving caravan trying to escape the heat by taking shelter in the ruined bus.
“Well I can see that someone forgot to eat here.” Tallon chuckles manically. The caravan groan in pain,
“Well I guess you aren’t ones to laugh, guess I can just put you out your misery.” Tallon grins under his gasmask. Back at the train Maxwell watches as Tallon murders and cannibalizes another poor caravan. As Tallon hops back on the train and signals to keep going, he starts to hear the voices again, this time screaming at him, laughing at him. Tallon rushes to his room and turns is radio on while sipping some of his tea to calm down. As Tallon exits his room he notices an increase in vegetation. Tallon takes out a pair of binoculars and looks ahead, spotting a small town.
“Max there’s a town up ahead, how’s our fuel looking?” Tallon asked.
“The fuel is doing good we could make a stop for rations.” Maxwell responded. As the train stopped Maxwell, Luna, and Tallon were greeted by a person who claimed they were the mayor of the town.
“And what can we do for you three today?” the mayor asked, “We just came here for some food and water, we won’t be long.” Maxwell answered. Tallon seemed distracted as he had spotted a small platoon of approximately three soldiers and a general drive past a gap between two buildings.
“You know what we’ll spend the night. Suns setting might as well.” Maxwell informed Tallon and Luna. “Ok I’ll go ahead and make my bed.” Luna responded.
“I’ll go see what that little shop has to offer.” Tallon says as he points to a small shack next to a river.
“Alright I’ll go look for a food store.” Maxwell responded. As Tallon opened the door to the shop he was greeted by a man who seemed to be a fisher man, “What you sell here?” Tallon asked while looking around.
“Mostly bait, rods, fish, and for the skilled survivalist, spears.” The shopkeeper replied. Tallon picks up a spear and examines the tip. “How sturdy are they?” Tallon asked.
“Sturdy enough to kill a bear. Why?” Tallon smirked under the gasmask and let out a small chuckle.
“No reason.” Tallon said as he turned to the shop keeper and stabbed him in the gut. The shop keeper let out a scream in pain but was silenced as soon as Tallon drew his knife and finished him off by slitting his throat. The shop keeper went limp impaled by a spear and stuck to a wall. “Now let us write a message to the good towns folk.” Tallon covers his hands in blood and starts writing
“fresh meat” on the wall of the shop. In the morning when Tallon and Maxwell board the train and take off Tallon takes out a piece of flesh from his bandolier and eats it getting blood all over his mask and hands. The clouds started to grow thicker and darker, rain started to sprinkle, then shower, then pour.
“I’m going to go check up on my little ‘friend’.” Tallon informed with a cruel intension “Ok just don’t be long, Maxwell is going to teach me how to cook.” Luna said with a smile.
“Alright ya little squirt.” Tallon said with a chuckle while rubbing Lunas head. Tallon heads down the box cars all the way to the caboose, where a man who had duct tape over his mouth and was tied with a cable to a pole.
“You miss me?” Tallon asked while putting his arms out. The man tried to speak but was muffled by the duct tape. “Let’s just cut to the chase.” Tallon said chuckling to himself while taking his rusty knife out and cutting marks on the man’s cheeks, arms, and legs, the man started to cry in pain and fear. Tallon laughs at the amount of blood and tears on the floor, before untying the man from the pole, and tossing him on the ground, Tallon then decides to cover the man’s face with a rag and then pours water on the rag, simulating that of drowning. He then removes the rag from the man and takes him out to the back of the caboose, throwing him onto the bars on the back, causing him to dangle halfway on the caboose and halfway off the caboose.
“You know I never appreciated you coming after me.” Tallon said with a spiteful look dangling the man over the edge more. “If you were sent to kill me you should’ve done it while you had the chance.” Tallon said throwing him back onto the caboose throwing him into the wall. Tallon then starts to tie him to a pole at the back of the caboose with the cables.
“You’re staying out here from now on.” Tallon said while slamming the door closed. Tallon enters the room car to find Maxwell putting salt on preserved meat.
“What ya cooking there Lunes?” Tallon asked as he squatted down next to her. “Steak, you want some?” Luna asked as she started to cut a piece.
“No thanks, I’m full, but I bet Max wants some.” Tallon chuckled.
“Whelp I’m going to turn in for the night I suggest you do the same Luna.” Tallon yawned while he patted Luna’s back. Tallon was woken up by a train horn, but not this train’s horn. As he put his gasmask on and rushes out to see what it was from, he saw a military train going parallel to his train.
“Attention, pull over immediately!” A soldier demanded. “Do as he said.” Tallon ordered to Maxwell. “Aye, Aye captain.” Maxwell answered while pulling the train to a stop. The military train does the same.
“Thank you for your cooperation.” A general said stepping out. “It seems you are holding one of my men hostage.” He continued. “Release him unharmed, and we will not bring harm your way.”
“Fine. We’ll release him.” Tallon hissed. Tallon walked to the caboose, spotting the man unconscious. “Hey! Rise and shine sleepy head!” Tallon barked while hitting the side of the man’s head slightly as he unties him. Tallon drags the man to the front and throws him to the other side.
“There’s your man.” Tallon mocked. “Thank you, but there’s been a change in the deal.” The general smirked. As Tallon turned around his face was met with the stock of a M4A1, causing him to fall unconscious.
Tallon is awoken in a padded room with his arms bound. He tried to speak but his mouth was shut. “Tallon? You there sweetie?” a comforting familiar voice is heard behind him. As Tallon turns around he is met with his mother’s face “Tallon, I know what happened with you and the knife.” Tallon tries to respond but can’t due his mouth being muzzled. “I should’ve told you sooner about your sister.” His mother continued starting to tear up. “She only died when she was ten. She would’ve liked you.” She says as a tear starts to fall down her eye. As it happens time seems to stop, Tallon gets up and tries to hug his mother, but fails as she disappears into mist as he hugged her. Tallon hears a little girl’s laugh “w-w-w-who’s there?” Tallon shuddered fearfully. As he does so a transparent ten-year-old girl starts walking towards him. “Hello there, brother.” She said as he wakes up in a cell.
Chapter 2, Heresy
Tallon awakens in a cell with a splitting headache. “Well it’s good to see you’re still alive.” A man said sitting in front of the cell. “Where am I, and who are you?” Tallon asked gripping his head in pain.
“names, Mathew. You’re at clapper’s grove.” The man answered. “And may I add, who might you be?”
“Tallon Marovia. What’s it to you?” Tallon responded. “Oh, nothing really. How about I just cut to the chase.” Mathew added getting up and going through his key chain.
“When our scouts found you, you were in a cell, in an abandoned military camp. No files, no pictures, nothing, so all the information we have on you is you and that knife you got there with you.” Mathew said with a serious tone. “What about the knife?” Tallon asked getting up.
“Well, when we found you a few of the scouts tried to take the knife, for safety reasons, but when they touched it they were scared out of their minds, one of them even shot themselves.” Mathew responded looking quite upset.
“Look I don’t know what about my knife made them do that, or why it’s not happening with me.” Tallon barked. “Anyway, that’s not important. What I need to know is, why were you locked up in that cell, and why you have some raw meat in your bag?” Mathew asked throwing Tallon bandolier next to him.
“Look I was framed for cannibalism by a man in a town probably west of here, and for the meat it was the guy’s accomplice who put that there.” Tallon responded while putting the bandolier on. “I see. Now what’s the deal with the gasmask? You know there’s no radiation here, right?” Mathew responded while putting the key in the lock.
“I’m aware of it, there was low radiation back where I’m from, I just wear it because I don’t like people looking at my face.” Tallon answered adjusting the gasmask’s straps. “Oh, all right. Sorry about the whole cell thing, safety first.” Mathew said with a chuckle opening the cell door.
“All right no problem.” Tallon said with a smirk. As Tallon walked out of the police station he heard mumbles coming from bystanders looking at him. Tallon ignores it and decides to ask someone for the closest restaurant.
“Oh, there’s the breaded swordfish just down the road.” A man dressed as if he worked as a fisherman said pointing down the road behind him. “Ok thanks for the directions.” Tallon responded with a sigh of relief. As Tallon entered there seemed to be a line of four people to the counter, and three tables filled up. At one table sat a red-haired woman with a kid next to her. As the woman looked up she silently gasped at seeing Tallon.
“Net, we need to go now.” The woman whispered to the kid. “Why is that Mattie?” the kid asked in confusion. “Tallon is here.” Mattalyn whispered in fear to him.
“We need to go, now!” she whispered while holding his hand and covering her face going out the door.
“Humph, they looked familiar.” Tallon thought to himself. As Tallon got to the counter the waiter asked him, “What would you like sir?” Tallon took out his canteen and placed it on the counter. “I need a refill on green tea.” Tallon answered looking back at the door.
“Okay, that will be five cents.” The waiter responded taking the canteen. “Do you take bullets as trade here? that’s all I got.” Tallon said as he placed a hand full of nine millimeter rounds on the table and a thirty-eight caliber.
“Yes, we do. Where did you get these?” The waiter responded picking up a few bullets. “What’s the point of just carrying lead in ya if you can’t use it?” Tallon chuckled. The Waiter handed a full canteen of green tea to Tallon. Tallon walked out the door sipping on the tea when he saw Mattalyn and Net walk by.
“This is going to be good.” Tallon smirked to himself as he started to follow the two. As they got to an abandon part of the town he spoke up and said,
“Hey Mattie, you miss me?” as Mattalyn turned around she saw Tallon approach them, “Net, get behind me.” She warned as she got out her thirty-eight, revolver.
“no, no, no.” Tallon said as he threw a throwing knife at the revolver disarming her. “What, you shocked to see a dead man walking.” Tallon smirked as he approached the two.
“What do you want from us, you monster.” Mattalyn said backing up. “Relax, I just need some help.” Tallon said tossing his knife aside.
“Ok, what do you need help with?” Mattalyn asked hesitantly. “I need help finding my friends, Maxwell and Luna. I got knocked out on the railroad coming from the desert.” Tallon answered while looking at the buildings. “is there anywhere private we can talk about this?” Tallon asked while he looked at the trees and bushes.
“Yes, my house just over there.” Mattalyn replies pointing to a building with boarded up windows. Tallon nods his head and all three enter the house. As they make their way to the top floor Tallon notices multiple rooms in shambles, some even with skeletons. “Ok, so, where on the map did you get knocked out?” Mattalyn asked, Tallon pointed to a small clearing of land on the map.
“Right here, just after a storm hit.” Tallon said looking up and around to make sure they understood. As the military train passes through another tunnel Maxwell and Luna feel greatly uneased in their situation.
“You did good Jake, just next time, don’t hesitate to pull the trigger.” The general said patting Jake on the back, Jake thanks the general. “Now, come on kid, let’s get you that tetanus shot.” The general says as they walk through the train car’s door. As the two exit the medical bay they enter a room with a map on the table with crates in the corners.
“Now, spies got word that Marovia is still alive, and is staying at this town.” The general says as he points to a town with a river running through the middle of it with the words, Clapper’s grove, next to it.
“Look, I’m going to give you a second chance to do your job. Go to this town and put a bullet in his skull.” The general says as he takes out a bolt-action sniper rifle and tosses it to Jake. He accepts this mission, and the train comes to a stop at a large military camp with a jeep waiting for Jake.
“Don’t fail this time, or else.” The general says in a serious tone as the jeep drives off with Jake in the back. As Tallon walks down a street to gather materials to look for the train he notices a shine from a roof. As he looks up he notices a rifle perched up there, an innocent fisherman walks near Tallon, Tallon swiftly covers the man’s face.
“Now look here I need you to put these clothes on and that gas mask on and walk across the street.” Tallon says as the man struggles to get his hand off his mouth. After ten minutes of convincing, without murder threat, the fisherman puts on a jacket resembling that of Tallon’s and puts on the gas mask. As the fisherman walks halfway across the road, Jake shoots the fisherman, mistaking him for Tallon, but as he goes to reload Tallon chimes in,
“Hey nice shot. Too bad it was the wrong target.” Tallon says as Jake turns around, he gets knocked out by Tallon out with a punch. As Jake wakes up in a ruined room with windows boarded up and skeletons next to him in positions of that of people laying down, supporting their heads up with an arm.
“Well, well, well, lookie who we have here. You miss me Jake?” Tallon says as he gets up from a chair on the other side of the room. “Now let me cut to the chase, before you say anything I don’t care about.” Tallon says as he cuts open a lump revealing a listening device where he cut him last.
“You hear that general? He failed again, and I’m still walking. Now I suggest you stop hiding behind you soldiers and face me head to head, just like you did to my father, chicken.” Tallon says as he throws the device on the ground stomping on it. “Now you have two choices.” Tallon says as he turns around to face Jake.
“Either you do as I say willingly and no one gets hurt except the military, or I could put this bomb belt, I got a few years back, on you. One little bullet comes towards me or my friends and, boom goes the dynamite buddy.” Tallon says smirking as he tears the duct tape off of Jake’s mouth.
“So, what will it be?” Tallon askes as he picks up Jake by the neck. “I’d rather die before I follow you, you monster!” Jake shouts as Tallon’s grip on his neck gets tighter.
“I was hoping you’d pick my favorite.” Tallon says as he drops Jake back to the ground and straps on the bomb belt onto Jake.
“Now listen here, you can’t unstrap that belt without the key, you can’t break it off without cutting yourself in half, now one wrong move in here and I’ll gut ya like the fish here.” Tallon says as he unties Jake. Jake reluctantly does as Tallon says,
“All right, listen up people if this plan does work, I’m afraid I’ll have to kill all of ya before the military does.” Tallon says letting out a short chuckle “Now, what Jake will do. Wait have I introduced you two yet? Anyways, Jake here, tried to kill me first and was close before he forgot that I can cut myself loose with the knife in my mouth, and Mattalyn here only shot me in the leg and decided that was enough.” Tallon smirks as everyone exchanges confused looks at one another.
“Anyways, what Jake will do is, he will smuggle some dynamite, I snagged along with that belt he’s wearing, into the engine room and toss all the dynamite in with the coal, while Mattalyn and Net will sneak in through the vents, there should be an entrance to the vents in the caboose, once you get to the cell car try and free Maxwell and Luna. I’ll sneak in through the body bag, that Jake here decided to deliver to us, into the general’s trophy room and execute him then and there. Any questions?” Tallon explains as he props his feet onto the table. Everyone just murmurs to each other,
“Ok then, I’ll take that as a no.” Tallon says as he gets up from the table. “Is the jeep filled up for you and Net, Mattalyn?” Tallon asks as he turns to Mattalyn, Mattalyn confirms there is enough for about one hundred fifty-six miles in the jeep.
“Do the radios work?” Tallon asks Jake, he confirms they do by saying “Roger.” On the radio.
As Jake carries Tallon, playing dead, in the body bag to the jeep the driver asks, “What took so long?” To which Jake replies with, “He put up quite the fight.” As they toss the body bag into the back they head off to the camp of which the train is stationed at, just fifty miles north of the town.
Chapter 3, Revenge
The jeep pulls up to the train, the general stands surprised to see Jake still alive. “I thought you failed, Jake.” The general said in bewilderment whistling to a couple of soldiers to bring Tallon up.
“He put up a good fight, but in the end, he fell like a mighty oak.” Jake deviously said while he got onto the train. Tallon is brought into the general’s office and is tied to the wall. The general walks into the room.
“So, the mighty Tallon has fallen,” The general chuckles walking towards him; “you’re as weak as your father.” The general states as he punches Tallon’s stomach. Tallon is just able to keep it together to convince the general he is dead. As the general leaves Tallon pulls his arm enough to snap the ropes,
“Yeah, I’ve met children who hit stronger than you, Rockwell.” Tallon replies as he hops to the floor. Tallon walks over to the general’s desk, and opens a drawer. He finds a .357 Magnum Revolver in it with twenty shot outside with a full cylinder,
“Might as well. I don’t have enough time to eat them.” Tallon says as he picks the revolver up. As Tallon opens the door two guards are positioned outside of the door. Tallon hops out of the door and slits the guard on the left’s throat, and shoots the other guard in the head. “I’m on the train. Try and free Luna and Max.” Tallon orders over the radio to Mattalyn. “On it.” Mattalyn responds as she pulls up behind the train.
“Net, I need you to take the wheel.” Mattalyn orders as she crawls out the window and onto the hood. Mattalyn hops onto the caboose and points to the clearing to the west “Head to the clearing; I’ll double back around and meet you there!” Mattalyn shouts as Net drives to the clearing. As she does this a few soldiers spot her and corner her.
“Drop your weapon.” One of the soldiers orders. As Mattalyn putts her hand on the revolver she quickly takes it out, and shoots one of them, she then gets behind another and uses him as a human shield. As the soldier fell limp, and the other soldier started to reload, she tackled him off the side of the train, leaving him on the rails.
As Jake walks to the engine room he is met with two bulk soldiers, grabbing him by the shoulders, and throw him off the train. The vent in front of Luna and Maxwell’s cell falls to the ground with Mattalyn falling to the floor.
“Who are you?” Luna questioned standing up. “I’m here with Tallon to get you guys out of here.” Mattalyn responded as she took a key chain off the wall.
“Tallon is still alive?” Maxwell said raising an eyebrow. Mattalyn unlocks the cells and tosses Maxwell a rifle she found in a crate in the room, and tosses Luna a pistol. As Tallon runs through the train he notices that the train is still moving
“That traitor!” Tallon hisses as he presses the button to detonate the belt. A distant boom is heard miles away from the train confusing all the soldiers on the train. Tallon bursts into a room with crates in each corner with a table with a map on it in the center with two guards standing next to it.
“He’s alive!” one of the guards shout. Tallon rushes to the guard and stabs him in the back, and tosses him onto the other guard pinning him to the ground. He takes out his revolver and shoots the guard dead on the floor. Suddenly a child’s laugh starts to encroach on Tallon
“No, no, no, no!” Tallon said alarmed. As Tallon tries to hide behind the crates he feels as if he fell through the wall into a dark place. Everywhere he looked was just inky black void, except for an outline of a child approaching him.
“Greetings, brother.” The child said approaching Tallon.
“W-w-what do you want with me?” Tallon stuttered fearfully. “I want nothing but to spend time with you, brother.” The child chuckled as Tallon found that moving started to feel as if he were trying to swim through a black viscus goo. “In fact, I want to give you power behind what you could hope for.” The child said, finally stopping three feet in front of Tallon.
“In exchange, I require a vessel for my spirit to occupy.” She said looking at Tallon’s knife. “The knife seems perfect for me.” The child said lifting the knife out of Tallon’s hand without touching it.
“W-what kind of powers?” Tallon asked filled with fear. “To put it simple brother, it will make you a better hunter.” The child said looking over at Tallon.
“And how will you do that?” Tallon asked calming down, but a little hesitantly. The child turns to Tallon, “Once you arrive back to the physical plain you will receive these powers, but at a cost to your mortality.” “How will it cost me?” Tallon gulped,
“It will make you, immortal.” The child answered turning to Tallon.
“Our meeting was fun, brother.” She said giving Tallon a peck on the cheek, sending him back to the physical plain.
“He’s in here!” Shouts a soldier, as he turns and motions for a group to come here, as Tallon turns over to see who shouted he gets shot in the forehead.
As Tallon staggers from the bullet he does not find himself dead, but instead of feeling fear he feels, anger. His eyes grow as black as the empty void as his knife does too. Tallon turns to face the soldier, still in the door way, who shot him. The soldier’s eyes constrict to see that Tallon was still alive, and that from the wound a black ooze was dripping out, instead of blood.
Tallon walks over to the soldier causing the crates to lift in the air, Tallon lifts the soldier up by the neck and as he does the other three soldiers stand back in fear. The soldier attempts to grab his knife to kill himself but is un able to move,
“Your time has come.” Tallon says as the soldier turns light blue and falls limp with his blood falling out of his mouth. The other three soldiers attempt to open fire but found that the guns were dripping the same black ooze coming from Tallon’s wound.
Tallon looks over at the soldiers, and they are flung off the train. His eyes go back to normal and all wounds on him and the gas mask heal. He looks down at his hands and hears,
“good work, brother.” Tallon looks around the room to find himself alone. Maxwell, Luna, and Mattalyn run to the front of the train,
“You thought you could get away. didn’t you?” General Rockwell claps as his men hold them hostage. As Tallon runs through the door he hears, “If I were you, Tallon, I’d put my hands up and drop the knife.” Coming from Rockwell holding a gun to Luna’s head.
“What will it be Tallon? You turn yourself over and give us the knife, or we kill everyone here.” Rockwell states. Tallon stares him in the eye with a rage, “Times ticking.” Rockwell says holding the gun closer to Luna’s head.
“Fine, there nothing else I can do anyway.” Tallon says tossing his knife to Rockwell’s feet, “Good choice.” Rockwell says as he steps on the knife. As he does this he starts hearing a child scream, laugh, and cry, before he, himself, starts crying, but not out of sadness, not anger, but out of fear. Rockwell takes the gun off of Luna’s head and points it at his own. He then pulls the trigger, killing himself. As he does this the soldiers look at the corpse in fear, before they all back or push each other off the train in fear.
“What was that all about?” Maxwell asks stunned at what just happened. “Family issue.” Tallon responds picking the knife up. As the group descend to the conductor’s cabin they find that he himself has already killed himself. With a note next to his body reading,
“I have seen the powers of the Marovia family. I cannot allow myself to be taken by them. May god spare all who encounter a Marovia.”
Chapter 4, Frost
As the train passes another town the wind gets stronger, the air gets colder, and towns become less and less populated, Maxwell speaks up. “What do you guys think a Marovia is?”
“Probably some kind of a giant mutated monster.” Luna says as she puts on some mittens. “You seem a bit quiet, Tallon. What do you think a Marovia is?” Maxwell observes,
“I don’t want to talk about it.” Tallon grunts.
“There’s a blizzard approaching! We need to stop at the next town!” Maxwell shouts pulling the train to a halt at an abandon town.
As the train pulls to a stop, Luna and Maxwell hop off, but when Tallon gets to the door he looks out to a house that looks to be the least run down in the town. “Are you coming Tallon?” Luna worries. “Yeah, just zoned out for bit.” Tallon replies.
As the snow crunches beneath Tallon’s feet, he approaches the house, as he walks in the door he looks around smiling remembering all the good times he had when he was a kid. Tallon walks to what seems to be a child’s room.
“What is this place?” Luna wonders as she looks around the living room. While Tallon is looking through the room, he picks up a photo of himself, his mother, and his father. His father is seen in a uniform resembling that of a general’s, but instead of a flag on the uniform there is a skull with a red background to it. Tallon, remembering the past sets the picture back onto the dresser on which he found it.
“I guess we got to stay here till the blizzard dies down.” Maxwell says entering to the living room.
“Lights don’t work.” Tallon states as he flicks a light switch. “I know where some lanterns are in here.” He continues. As Tallon unlatches a cellar door Maxwell askes,
“How do you know where lanterns are in here?” To which Tallon replies with, “I used to live here.” While the group started to light the lanterns Tallon suddenly looks up at the ceiling, hearing a heartbeat and quiet breathing. Tallon motions for everyone to be quiet.
As Tallon unslings the revolver black clothed and hooded figures jump through a window and hold everyone in a choke hold, covering their mouths, signaling for them to be quiet. As they do this they look out the window the figures came through, a silhouette of a decaying man walks past the window, veiled by the fog of the blizzard. The figures tie Tallon, Maxwell, and Luna’s hands with cables and ties them to the floor. As they do this a figure with a symbol resembling that of a broken crescent, signals two other figures to guard the door from the outside. The figure walks to the child’s room and picks up the photograph.
As the figure walks out they ask Tallon and Maxwell, pointing to the picture, “Which one of you is in this picture.” Maxwell stays silent and looks over at Tallon.
“I’m the kid in the picture. Why do you ask?” Tallon responds tugging at the cable. The figure looks over at Tallon and signals for him to be unbound from the floor. Tallon is then put in a chair and tied to it, as he is put in it he is told by the figure,
“Before I go on, and answer your question, I must know. What is your last name?” Tallon looks over at Luna and Maxwell and says with a snide remark, “Ruben.” “I do not condone lies.” The figure says as she holds a knife to Tallon’s neck. “What is it?” she asks tilting the chair back. As Tallon looks over at Luna and Maxwell, he says with a sigh,
“Fine, its Marovia.” Everyone in the room goes silent and turns to Tallon. The figure shocked stutters out, “I-I-I-I’m sorry sir.” The figure, still in shock, signals for Tallon to be untied. Maxwell and Luna look at Tallon in fear and betrayal, “Were you going to tell us this?” Maxwell says in fear. Tallon, getting up from the chair, sighs and says,
“I was planning on telling you the rest of my name before we found the conductor, but now that we have I guess now you know.”
“We need to leave here as soon as the blizzard finishes.” The figure commands, “I don’t want to deal with the decayed.” The figure finishes. “What are decayed?” Luna asks the figure.
“It’s a good thing that you are new to the north.” The figure replies
“And why is that?” Maxwell snarls. “You never had to see strangers, or loved ones, get turned into mindless, hopeless, suffering corpses.” The figure says as she starts to tear up.
As the wind calms, and the snow stops to fall the figure signals for everyone to leave. As Tallon brings Maxwell and Luna out the figure signals for Luna and Maxwell to be put onto the train.
“Wait, you guys are taking the train?” Tallon asks in disbelief “How am I supposed to travel?” he continues. “Well you have feet, use them,” The figure shrugs hopping onto the train; “and I suggest heading south.”
The train starts to crawl north, gaining speed gradually. The figure hops to the back and says, “Ta, ta.” Hanging onto the railing. Tallon, reluctantly, heads south. As he passes a house with what seems to be a purple corpse in front of it he approaches it, as he approaches it he notices it is bleeding a black goo resembling that of what was coming from his head on the train. As he gets closer to the corpse it lets out a strange clicking sound. As the corpse does this, multiple corpse start to crawl and fall out of various places.
“Holy-” Tallon briefly states before being interrupted by a hand grabbing his ankle. Tallon swiftly takes his knife out and slices he hand off, before anything else happens he turns and runs leaving the decayed in the snow.
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JoJo's Bizarre Adventure OC Tournament #4: R1M3 - Jinsoo Chong & The Man in Yellow vs. Darwin Glerman & Bhangra Mendhi

The results are in for Match 1. The winner is…
Hadrian Moore, with a score of 74 to Maris Mann’s 60!
Category Winner Point Totals Comments
Popularity Hadrian Moore 16-24 With 38 votes, I think we set a turnout record for all four tourneys! Nice!
Quality Hadrian Moore 21-24 Reasoning
JoJolity Hadrian Moore 23-26 Reasoning
What a start to Tournament 4! Judges and Voters alike were impressed by the display of creativity and ingenuity despite the simplicity of the stage. Many explained how hard it was to decide, and Quality and JoJolity Scores were similarly high and close. Both teams should be immensely proud of their performances! But if you’re jazzed up for more action, go vote on some stylish and stealthy shoplifting!
Scenario - Vladivostok, Russia:
“Planet Telex, hmm…” Bhangra muttered to herself, smelling the air as she stood with Darwin outside of the entrance of an old arcade in Vladivostok. “I can tell that this place is run-down… it smells like mold and cigarettes.”
Darwin nodded, observing the dirty exterior and the poorly lit sign. “It certainly is. But this place has been around since the 80s, think of all the beautiful old arcade machines they could have in there! It’ll be quite interesting to observe them.”
Bhangra chuckled. “Well, do not forget, we’re here to play, ah, ‘Tetris’, Garland-ji called it, not to take the machines apart. Let us head in, it is too cold to be standing out here.” She groped for the door, Darwin opening it for her.
With a shared smile, they entered the arcade. The interior wasn’t much better than the exterior, the shaggy gray carpet littered with debris and stains. Manning the counter was one tired, old looking Russian man who would not ever seem to look up from the magazine he was reading. Strangely, though, the arcade machines seemed very well maintained, and still fully functional.
Darwin spotted the Tetris machine in the back of the arcade, nudging Bhangra to follow him in its direction. “This place really is a dump, but they take surprisingly good care of their cabinets! I think we’ll have no problem winning this competition, with my intricate understanding of machines such as these…”
Scanning the area around the machine, Darwin spotted an odd sight: Two men, one tall and one short, dressed in Mario and Luigi costumes and standing by the machine. The costumes were rather poor in quality, and ill-fitting as well. The fake mustaches on their faces were clearly peeling off; they were constantly readjusting them and sticking them back on.
“Huh, that’s… weird…” Darwin muttered.
“What is it, Darwin?” Bhangra said, tugging on his shirt for clarification.
“Oh, nothing, just a couple guys in some weird costumes. Probably arcade employees.” With that, Darwin and Bhangra made their way over to the machine. Eager for some practice while they waited for their opponents, Darwin started to play, giving an appreciative Bhangra tips as the men in costumes simply watched.
“This is the place, right?” The Man in the Yellow Suit asked, looking at the map again and trying to parse the Russian. Jinsoo simply nodded, saying nothing more as she tried to divine what could be inside. She opened the door for him, getting a chortle from the old man. They made their way into the arcade, observing the room for a second, noting the run down state of it and making their way back to the Tetris machine.
“So, I take it you’re our opponents?” The Man said in Darwin and Bhangra’s direction, met with a pair of nods. “Well, don’t expect us to hold back! We’re going to crush you and walk away with that Tag.” he said, smirking and crossing his arms. Jinsoo looked at him with a stern face and gave him a nudge with her elbow.
“Be nice. This is just a friendly Tetris competition, no need to be a poor sport.” The Man looked away, not responding, before piping up again.
“Say, all Andromeda told us was to come here for a Tetris competition over a Tag. Who’s judging this thing to make sure we’re not cheating?” He looked over to the two men in the poorly-made Mario and Luigi costumes. “Hey, are you two with the ARG?”
The man in the Luigi costume looked down at ‘Mario’, as if for approval. ‘Mario’ nodded, first at ‘Luigi’, then at the man.
“Yes. Have fun in Tetris.” ‘Mario’ said.
“In? Buddy, you need to work on your Engli-”
Before The Man could finish, the screen glowed with a bright swirl of colors. The two teams both turned to face it, bewildered.
As soon as they turned, four semi-transparent, malformed red limbs burst out of the screen, almost appearing to be made out of energy. The four didn’t have enough time to call out their Stands before they were grasped tightly by the hands. No matter how hard they struggled, they couldn’t seem to get the hands loose, and a moment later, they were rapidly pulled into the Tetris screen.
Jinsoo reacted almost immediately, summoning her Stand to make a rope on the side of the wall, grabbing it and her partner midair. They slid down, her muscles straining as she held them both, before they landed heavily. “Are you alright?” She asked her partner in a concerned, confused tone, pulling out her broom and holding it in front of her, prepared for another attack. She looked around the place; a dark, nearly empty box. How bizarre. The Man nodded, his knife appearing in his hand as they faced their opponents.
“Heheheheheheheeee…” the man in the Luigi costume chuckled, ripping off his mustache to reveal a nearly identical mustache underneath. “Now, ‘Mario’, you know how to play ‘Tetris’, right? Make sure to scare them, but don’t crush ‘em…” ‘Luigi’ said, crossing his arms and turning over to the other man.
“‘Luigi’... I thought you knew how to play ‘Tetris’...” ‘Mario’ said, a blank look befalling his face. There was an awkward silence for a second, before they realized the blocks were still falling.
“SHITSHITSHITSHITSHIT!” ‘Luigi’ yelled, running over to the controls and desperately trying to figure them out.
With a little, familiar chime echoing inside the blank area, all their smartphones lit up as Andromeda appeared on screen, still cheerful but somewhat bewildered. “Err… that wasn’t in the plans, but we’ll make do! I guess this is a deathmatch now!” She paused for a second, before continuing.
“...Again, that’s just a name: please try to avoid being crushed.”
The four looked at each other. “...It seems that we were always meant to fight.” Jinsoo said cordially at her opponents. The small man whispered something to the girl beside him, before they nodded in reply. It seemed they would not back down either. And with a boom, a long, tall bar dropped in the middle.
Location: Within a Tetris arcade machine in Vladivostok, Russia. The board is a bit wider than standard: 12 blocks wide and 20 blocks high, each block being a cube whose sides are 2 meters long. Additionally, blocks making up tetriminos (the game pieces) have effectively C DUR but can be broken with some effort. Several of these blocks are already scattered on the field.
The blocks land and stack at the front of the screen, but the stage itself has a bit of depth: behind the block zone there is an empty space 2 meters wide, meaning the stage has a total depth of 4 meters. The edges of the stage are effectively “walls,” meaning they can be touched and interacted with as such. The players start at opposite sides of the blockzone, 24 meters away from each other.
Goal: RETIRE your opponents and survive this game of Tetris!
Additional Information: As ‘Luigi’ is playing Tetris, tetriminos will act as expected within Tetris gameplay: falling from the sky at a rate of 4 block/sec, stacking on top of each other, etc. However, due to his lack of skill, the blocks can be assumed to be falling randomly. ‘Luigi’ also does not know how to turn or hard drop tetriminos , and players can push or turn tetriminos while falling.
Upon landing, a tetrimino will deal C POW damage and shunt whoever was underneath to the space behind the blocks. When broken, blocks will break into smaller pieces which can be used by anyone - including 「Metal Man」 - but these pieces will be destroyed when crushed by a falling tetromino if it is in its path. Tetrimos and repurposed debris can harm Stands
Completed rows do disappear, although with how bad 'Luigi' is at the game, that makes it mostly irrelevant. If there are no blocks on a row, it will be considered 'disappeared' in terms of points as well as the other rows dropping.
Team Combatant JoJolity
Youngstown Mysteries and Curiosities Association Jinsoo Chong “Stop acting like a gentleman and just go already!” You’re used to taking the high road, but it’s time to start doing it literally! Stay as high up as possible throughout the course of the match!
Youngstown Mysteries and Curiosities Association The Man in the Yellow Suit “Are you going to do the ‘ORA ORA’ thing?!” You don’t want to let anything get in your way of winning this fight, especially not some bricks! Break as many blocks as possible and make use of the debris!
Tower of Terra Darwin Glerman “Don’t worry, I have confidence. I’m pretty good at video games.” You came here to win a game of Tetris, and you intend on doing so! You know how this game is played. Break as many blocks as possible and make use of the debris!
Tower of Terra Bhangra Mendhi “Look out Jotaro!” With T3 at your side, sight is no issue, and you’ve got incredible mobile potential! Stay as high up as possible throughout the course of the match!
Link to the official player spreadsheet


Match Number PlayeTeam 1 PlayeTeam 2 Match Description Match Type Date
M1 Carol “Maris” Mann Hadrian Moore Everybody likes a good Train Fight! Deathmatch January 29th
M2 Stefan Pilatti Andrew Lennox ”Koichi really steals?” Objective January 31st
M3 Darwin Glerman and Bhangra Mendhi Jinsoo Chong and The Man in the Yellow Suit ”I guess now’s a bad time to mention I’m horrible at video games.” Deathmatch February 2nd
M4 Fighter Jet Jeremiah Peacekeeper “Maybe having them fight here was a BIG mistake.” Deathmatch February 4th
M5 Kris P. Bacon Lucas Richmond "Hey, don't get crabby, hand the damn thing over!" Objective February 6th
M6 Robbert Chitter and Mars Kevin “Junior” Jackson V and Kenta Ryoshi “And runnin runnin and runnin runnin…” Objective February 8th
M7 Andrew “Andy” Rogers Claude After this, there's gonna be nothing left to seize! Deathmatch February 10th
M8 Tunde Ó Santos and Rock Starr Zack Bernett and Ricky Nelson You won’t be cooking anything, but there will be a minefield. Deathmatch February 12th
M9 Ric Hawkes North Dakota You’ll have to build this match yourself! Deathmatch February 14th
M10 Pengolo “Hive” Solventi and Marcella Le Blanc ??? ”That’s right! Don’t want to hurt nobody!” BOSS Objective February 16th


Match Number PlayeTeam 1 PlayeTeam 2 Match Description Match Type Date
M11 Baroness Malka Jianbin Zhuge Three Stand Users in a Ski Chase worthy of a Spy Thriller Deathmatch February 18th
M12 Annabelle Demis Roussos The bullfight’s later; for now, just run! Objective February 20th
M13 Schioppio Fucile and Noriko Yabuuchi Yuigahama Kaito and Tom N. Place It may be sinking, but Venice is still a beautiful place to visit. Deathmatch February 22nd
M14 Garland Victor Pheare A museum, in the dead of night… And the art that may hold a clue. Objective February 24th
M15 Prince Johnny Varel Teves Rot "The true work of art is but a shadow of divine perfection." Objective February 26th
M16 Milo A. and Flint Howlett Antonio Gibson and Olivia Zankov "I, Kira Yoshikage, just want a quiet life, but this year keeps getting worse." Deathmatch February 28th
M17 Onkivulet Michelle Xu “747s full of wo- Wait, what are you two doing?” Deathmatch March 2nd
M18 Chul Ahn and Nico Wolfram Dolly P. Dolce and Little Big Clyde Longbarrel A beautiful wedding on a French beach… Would be a shame if someone ruined it. Objective March 4th
M19 Killian Keyes Maxwell Romano Looks like you’re snowed in; may as well pitch camp. Objective March 6th
M20 Electric Grapevine and Baba O'Riley ??? “He will win whose army is animated by the same spirit throughout all its ranks." BOSS Deathmatch March 8th


Match Number PlayeTeam 1 PlayeTeam 2 Match Description Match Type Date
M21 Dokiro-chan Take Warning “WELCOME TO STAND UP, THE WORST SHOW ON TELEVISION!” Objective March 10th
M22 Vanita Butler Connor Pruckette “Hey! Aren’t these games rigged?” Objective March 12th
M23 Eugene "Buggy" Baxter and Jack Norworth Millie Cialda and Autumn Jasper A simple roadside pitstop has turned into a brawl! Deathmatch March 14th
M24 Professor Bernal M.I.A. Betting on horse races has never been this intense! Objective March 16th
M25 Adam Daniels and Scott Strange Summers Akira Inoue and Lenoir "Nora" Kleid "In American football, unless you become champions, it's the same thing as if you lost in the first round. There is only one truth. Winning!" Objective March 18th
M26 Qubilah Fathy Jindrich Alois Karlov I knew LA road rage was bad, but I didn’t expect this! Deathmatch March 20th
M27 Gioia Arancini and 'Corazón' Djimon Ejigu and Lyra Wishly “What are you doing in my swamp?!” Deathmatch March 22nd
M28 Annie Bonn Calendar Waters "West Virginia, Mounta- wait, where were we going again?" Deathmatch March 24th
M29 A. A. Lomax and Mr. Nowhere Man Uncle Jack and Thijs van Leer “You’re a kid now, you’re a squid now!” Objective March 26th
M30 Colorado Blue and The White Rabbit ??? "...UNDERSTAND, UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF LOVE!" BOSS Deathmatch March 29th
As always, if you would like to interact with the tournament community and be among the first to get updates for the tournament, please feel free to PM a member of our Judge staff for an invite to our Official Discord Server!
submitted by Dungeon_Dice to StardustCrusaders [link] [comments]

Line that was stuck in my head the longest from each battle

I made a post about which lines got stuck in your head the longest, so here are all of mine from each battle. I don't think these are the best in terms of lyrics, but they are the catchiest to me.
John Lennon vs Bill O'Reilly
You can't buy me love, but I'll kick your ass for free. I'll take Maxwell's silver hammer and give you a lobotomy!
Darth Vader vs Hitler
You're a pissed off little prick with a Napoleon dick! You call that a mustache? I call that Dirty Sanchez on your lip!
Abe Lincoln vs. Chuck Norris
I am Chuck fucking Norris! I've spread more blood and gore than 40 score of your puny Civil Wars, bitch!
Sarah Palin vs Lady Gaga
Put down that teacup, honey! Go put on some pants, and Stop letting little monsters teach you how to dance, and You may be Gaga, but you ain't a lady at all!
Hulk Hogan & Macho Man vs. Kim-Jong-Il
North Korea, bitch! Let me give you a tour! By the way, your wife says my dick is bigger than yours!
Justin Bieber vs. Beethoven
Because my voice is incredible and your music is terrible. Who even listens to Classical, anyway?
Albert Einstein vs Stephen Hawking
There are ten million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million, million particles in the universe that we can observe. Your mama took the ugly ones and put them into one nerd!
The Easter Bunny vs. Genghis Khan
The Great Wall couldn't keep you out of China! Watch me rub my foot for luck and stick it right up your vagina!
Napoleon vs Napoleon
I'll rip your bones apart, Bonaparte! Turn your horse into glue! Welcome to the battle of Waterloo, part two! (Yes!)
Billy Mays vs Ben Franklin
Your boy George chopped down trees. You couldn't break a piece of balsa! Slap Chop your face, make a double chin salsa!
Gandalf vs Dumbledore
The prophecy forgot to mention this day, When I knocked your ass back to Gandalf the Grey!
Dr. Seuss vs Shakespeare
The Bard is in the building. It's a castle, I'm a boss! I bet I'm Parliament. I'm positive I'm killing it. I'm iller than the plague I've never caught or cholera, a baller baller, on some cricket bowler business while you're sitting in the bleachers!
Mr. T vs Mr. Rogers
Watch what you say. Kids love me more than lunch. I'm not the one with my face on some whack-ass Captain Crunch.
Christopher Colombus vs. Captain Kirk
So bring it on! I'll whip you like a Klingon! My rhymes will burrow in your ears like The Wrath of Khan!
Nice Peter vs. EpicLLOYD
This is one vid, kid, that you won't ever survive! I'll beat you, dislike you, then unsubscribe!
Hiler vs. Vader 2
Roar like Chewbacca: the voice of Mufasa! I'm on the leader of your limp-dicked Luftwaffe! I strike back hard against a Nazi! Brain-toss your ass in the air: Yahtzee!
Master Chief vs Leonidas
300 asses need a kicking; give more teabags than Lipton, so why don't you quit your bitching? My trigger finger's itching!
Mario Bros vs. Wright Bros
We'll be pressing all your buttons like we're the controller! Conquer every level of your 2-D scroller!
Michael Jackson vs. Elvis Presley
Here's a tip: don't swallow a bucket of drugs, so you won't die on the toilet dropping hunks of Burning Love!
Cleopatra vs Marilyn Monroe
Plus, you got so much experience down on your knees. Married a writer, but I don't even think you can read! You'll sleep with any ugly dude who say he likes it hot! Even Joe DiMaggio took a swing in your batter's box!
Steve Jobs vs Bill Gates
I make the product that the artist chooses, and the GUI that Melinda uses. I need to bring up some basic shit. Why'd you name your company after your dick?
Frank Sinatra vs Freddie Mercury
You had a hit song called "My Way", but someone else wrote it. You're the least talented rat in your whole pack of rodents!
Barack Obama vs Mitt Romney
Republicans need a puppet, and you fit! Got their hands so far up your rear, call you Mitt!
Doc Brown vs. Doctor Who
(Ooh!) Actually, if you don't mind, it's just "the Doctor". Doesn't even really matter who. Who am I even talking to? Oh yes, you!
Bruce Lee vs Clint Eastwood
I got the baddest fists of fury that the world ever saw! Defeat whole karate schools and mother fuckers with claws! How can you talk more shit with my fist in your jaw? Don't need words to serve ya; I'mma just say, "Waaataaaw!"
Batman vs Sherlock Holmes
Gotta secret 'bout your homegirl, Irene Adler: took her back to my nest to "bam pow kersplat" her!
Santa Claus vs. Moses
Or was there something in rule six I didn't understand? My list says, "Killed Egyptian dude, buried him in sand."
Adam vs. Eve
One pump chump, and you're hung like a weasel. (Pfft.) Ditch the fig leaf; get yourself a pine needle!
Gandhi vs. MLKJr.
You want to battle wits? See who's a better pacifist? I fought the caste system, but you still cannot touch this!
Nikola Tesla vs. Thomas Edison
What's inside mine was ahead of its own time! You did not steal from me; you stole me from mankind!
Babe Ruth vs. Lance Armstrong
So swing, batter, batter! Show me what a fatter rapper can do! I beat cancer! I can sure as hell crack you!
Skrillex vs. Mozart
Oh yes, I've heard that EP, and see, I transcribed it here. Tell me, what comes after the sixty-eighth measure of diarrhea? And what kind of drugs does it take to enjoy this? I've no idea!
Rasputin vs. Stalin
Дa, you want to mess with me? I spit hot borscht when I'm crushing these beats. Blow it up like a tuba, while I'm balling in Cuba. Doing judo moves and schooling every communist сука!
Hitler vs. Vader 3
You wrote a little book, got 'em fired up, had a Beer Hall Putsch, got 'em fired up, and when your bunker started getting fired up, you put a gun in your mouth and fired up! You dumb mother fucker, didn't Napoleon let you know? When you conquer Russia, better pack some fucking winter clothes
Blackbeard vs. Al Capone
I'm the emcee assassin, slash like Edward Kenway! Rap so hard, call me Al…dente.
Miley Cyrus vs. Joan of Arc
'Cause I'm the maid of Orleans. You're the Mardi Gras beads, honey. My father taught me things your daddy couldn't teach ya. Your highest calling was a text from Wiz Khalifa!
Bob Ross vs, Pablo Picasso
My name is Pablo Diego José Francisco de Paula Juan Nepomuceno María de los Remedios Cipriano De la Santísima Trinidad Ruiz y Picasso! Back…to…you, Bob!
Well, Bob is dropping bombs like this is Guernica. I served twenty years; Air Force, United States of America!
Michael Jordan vs. Muhammad Ali
I'll school you through your bug spray, off your Broadway play, over the Japanese dude sitting on your face! Hit nothing but net! You ain't seen nothing yet!
Donald Trump vs. Ebenezer Scrooge
Best put some friends on your wish list, 'cause you don't know the spirit of Christmas! If you did, then you would, at this moment, (aah!) be sharing your money with some of the homeless!
Rick Grimes vs. Walter White
Your monsters don't frighten me, and you can bite me! I'll be standing right here in my tighty Walter Whities!
Goku vs. Superman
My level is incredible! I'm out of your league! You want justice? I'll bust this nut up in your Chi-Chi! Greasy, slick emcee from DC! With one breath, I'll freeze your whole measly species!
Stephen King vs. Edgar Allan Poe
I'm so prolific! This sickly goblin won't be bothering me! I'm on a clobbering spree, and I'll be smacking you with any of the big thick books in my big dick bibliography!
Sir Isaac Newton vs Bill Nye
By the way, the answer to your little calculation is i, as in I put the swag back in science, while Isaac Newton was lying and sticking daggers in Leibniz, and hiding up inside his attic on some Harry Potter business. The universe is infinite, but this battle is finished.
George Washington vs William Wallace
Look at ya, in your little blousy outfit, looking like a stiffer white dick than your monument!
Artists vs. TMNT
I take a turtle, and I turn him into mincemeat. You don't really wanna step to da Vinci.
Ghostbusters vs. Mythbusters
Your science is preposterous; the opposite of competent process, and in this episode, we'll give you a synopsis, starting with the vacuum cleaners strapped up on your back! It's a fact: positrons don't react like that! You built a laser grid with no safety switch, and Walter Peck was right: that's some shady shit!
Romeo and Juliet vs Bonnie and Clyde
And you there, wench with the neck of a chicken, you'll get an ass-rippin' worse than your boyfriend's in prison!
Zeus vs Thor
You can keep your astronomers. I'll sail with the conquerors for thousands of kilometers, discovering the continents!
Jack the Ripper vs. Hannibal Lecter
I'm real! You'll find me making vacancies in brothels, while you only exist inside the pages of a novel!
Oprah Winfrey vs Ellen DeGeneres
Check the Fortune 500; I'm a media wonder! The Dalai Lama and Obama memorized my cell number! Try to beef with me, I'll make the whole market crash, honey! Once you go Oprah, you can't go back!
Steven Spielberg vs Alfred Hitchcock
I set up shop and got a few drops of that Got Milk money! Rose to The Rock, now I got that socks made of silk money! I ain't got that guilt money! I don't give a fuck! I take my checks to the bank, and I sign 'em with my nuts!
Lewis and Clark vs. Bill and Tex
We discovered bears and beavers and prairie dogs and weasels, rattlesnakes and catfish, owls, larks and eagles, and plus flora galore! And according to our observations, these two dickweeds right here are severely endangered!
David Copperfield vs. Harry Houdini
You failed at making movies, and you failed at making kids. You should stick to what you're good at and lock them lips!
Terminator vs Robocop
And I didn't think I had any feelings left inside me, but my heart was surely broken after Terminator 3!
Eastern Philosophers vs Western Philosophers
Okay, I see. You wanna make it like that? I'll smack that warmongering head out of your to-go box hat! So here's the real golden rule: I'm way above you weak rookies! Confucius say, you can all hold these fortune cookies!
Shaka Zulu vs Julius Caesar
You should take your cow skin shield and hide under it! You're fucking with the most triumphant third of the Triumvirate! I'm first of the empire and last of the republicans, and hunting you, accompanied by legions of my countrymen! (Ooh!) Ask my kidnappers if I'm just a shit talker. Doc J dunk on you like Boom Shakalaka!
Jim Henson vs Stan Lee
Heck, that face on your neck ain't sexy! You're one part Sweetums, the other part Skeksis! Step up to Lee and you get your butt kicked! Your muppet Snuffleupagus stuff is bupkis!
Boba Fett vs. Deadpool
I only need five lines 'cause I look fucking great. You look like someone spilled lasagna on your face!
J. R. R. Tolkien vs. George R. R. Martin
Because the backstory of my box office is billions! Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions! And I'm more rock and roll than you've ever been! Don't believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin!
Gordon Ramsay vs Julia Child
I mean, it's rubbish! Yes, chef! Look at page 408! Tell me, who the fuck yes, chef! wants to learn to cook calf brains?! You call these rhymes raw? No, chef! They're stale and soft! Now, here, take this jacket… Now, give it back and fuck off!
Frederick Douglass vs Thomas Jefferson
But I've yet to read the three books you wrote about YOU! Looking like a skunk in a three-piece suit, didn't come back from Paris to battle Pepé Le Pew! First Secretary of State, VP number two! Not to mention third President; the fuck'd you do?
James Bond vs. Austin Powers
It's the most prominent dominant bomb spy, so pay homage! Handing out ass-whippings, I'm on some real James Bondage!
Bruce Banner vs Bruce Jenner
That's probably not something you seen as a child! Not one day did you see your daddy smile! "Hulk not strong enough to deal with denial!" Laying you down, easy; that's kitchen tile!
Alexander the Great vs Ivan the Terrible
But I would leave 'em contorted and they'd be screaming and roaring until their vocal cords were torn up and shot! And I would holler "Bucephalus!", hop on my horsey, and trot! I win, Ivan; I vanquish! I'm an immortal; you're not!
Donald Trump vs Hillary Clinton
I'll make this country great again! We'll all be living large! I'll tell Congress, "You're fired," and put Charles in charge! 'Cause this whole system's rigged, and we all know the riggers! For the last eight years, this country's been run by—
Ash Ketchum vs Charles Darwin
I'm a masterful naturalist! What I've glimpsed will outclass all the crap on your laughable list!
Wonder Woman vs Stevie Wonder
You need to echo-relocate to the fourth of July because you're Ms. Independent, or at least you try, but your first story is you, running off with a guy!
Tony Hawk vs. Wayne Gretzky
And all the ice underneath you will get melted into water when I hit you with a trick that's even hotter than your daughter! You're old and you're basic; your talent is faded! And Oiler alert: you're about to get traded!
Theodore Roosevelt vs Winston Churchill
I'll fight you on the beaches; I'll fight you on the beats, yes! Any way you want to fight, I'll fight ya, and I'll beat ya, see?
Nice Peter vs EpicLLOYD 2
I'm trying to make art, mother fucker; you're trying to find a rhyme for erection! I'm sorry, man! No, I'm fucking not! Fuck you!
Elon Musk vs. Mark Zuckerberg
Watch me, Oculus, Instagram, WhatsApp. Post! I'm cleaning up like a Wet-nap. Boast! I drive around in a hatchback. Beep beep! I'll end your story like Snapchat. Ghost!
Freddy Krueger vs Wolverine
So you've got the wrong room if you're looking for fear. Only thing scares me is a fridge with no beer! That face tells me you've met your match, but come back if you've got another itch to scratch!
Guy Fawkes vs. Che Guevara
Oh! What's the Fawkes say now? (Ya-ya-ya-ya-ya-ya!) When they cut your junk out! I'm the hardest Marxist ever graced a banknote! You're an error-prone terrorist! Penny for the scapegoat!
Ronald McDonald vs The Burger King
Using Cheetos, dude? Get your recipes together, man! I've had the same fries since I was Willard Scott the weatherman!
submitted by iMiscellaneous2 to ERB [link] [comments]

Earthfic Hopemor

Avada Kedavra!
Expecto Patro—
Something hit Kaethryn before she could finish the incantation. For a moment her brain attributed the horrible jolt through her body to the impact of the Killing Curse itself. Then her brain noticed that it was still noticing things, and also that Harry had tackled her. The green bolt of energy flew past and through the wall, where it would keep going forever until it hit something with a soul. Kaethryn felt a pang of concern for any Muggles flying in planes, and any aliens out there in the universe, though she knew that was irrational. It was more likely that the spell would never come close to hitting anyone.
She hit the ground with Harry on top of her. His weight was on her for just a fraction of a second before he grabbed her hand and pulled her up and running.
“I told you not to try to block the Killing Curse with the Patronus 2.0!” he shouted as they sprinted down the narrow hall. His wand was in his other hand, and he pointed it at the door. “Reducto!” The spell blasted the door apart, and they raced through the cloud of dust and splinters a moment later. “It’s too slow!”
“I panicked!” Kaethryn gasped, wishing she was in better shape. “My brain stopped at the first solution that came to mind, which was also the most high-status and impressive solution, not the most practical—”
“We can go over your thought processes later!” roared Harry.
Avada Kedavra!” shouted the Hooded Man, who had come to the end of the hall. Harry yanked her down, and Kaethryn stumbled and fell, the bolt of green light flashing over her head.
“Come on!” Harry urged. Gripping her tightly by her sweat-covered hand, they raced toward the stake that marked the edge of the Anti-Apparition Field.
The Hooded Man appeared past the broken door. “Avada Keda—
Harry pulled her body past the marker, spun on one foot, and with a crack, they vanished.
And appeared a moment later in Kaethryn’s bedroom. He released her hand, and they both sagged to the floor, panting hard. Kaethryn winced and touched a hand to the stitch in her side, really wishing she had been better at sports.
“That was my fault,” Harry said between deep breaths. “I thought the message from McGonagall’s mirror-self was trustworthy. Now we know he’s working for the Order.”
Kaethryn winced at the realization. Minervo had seemed so kind and gentle. Knowing he had been working the whole time for a group of sadistic killers hurt worse than being bitten by a hippogriff had.
“I’m sorry too,” said Kaethryn weakly. “I made so many mistakes. It’s my fault the Hooded Man found us.”
Harry shook his head. “You’re still in training. I shouldn’t have even brought you along. Ever since being forced to go through a third Phoenix Rebirth, I feel like I’ve been a little slower, a little weaker.”
Kaethryn looked at him with concern. “Do you think it’s because of the Order?”
Harry hesitated. “I think it’s…Voldemort.”
“But he’s in the Mirror right now!” Kaethryn gasped.
“Not that Voldemort. The Voldemort who’s in the future.”
“I thought Ron and your dad were—”
“He must have outsmarted them, even with Merlin’s daemon giving them advice. Damn it!” Harry swore. “I never should have let anyone else face him. It’s my destiny.”
Kaethryn never knew what to say when Harry started talking about destiny. He was so concerned with righting the wrongs that Time-Reversed Harry had inflicted on the world that sometimes he went into his own shell, and she didn’t know how to bring him out.
She got to her feet and noticed for the first time that they were in her bedroom. Harry had been in such a rush that he would have Apparated to the first place on his mind. Did that mean that her bedroom was the place on the top of his mind? He had only seen it once, briefly, when he had come to take her to Pigfarts, the school for heroines on Mars. What did it mean that six months later, it was the place his mind immediately went to?
She raised her hands to her cheeks to block the sight of the pink flush on her cheeks, but when she looked at him, he was staring at the floor, mumbling about asking Luna whether Timeline 4 would remain stable if he recoded some of the prophecies. Kaethryn wanted to help, but she didn’t know how. Instead, her eyes caught the sight of herself in the full-length mirror. Immediately she felt self-conscious. She wasn’t exactly beautiful. Her heterochromatic eyes, one blue and one green, peered at her from the mirror. And her half-elf ear-tips showed through her wavy blonde hair, with a single fiery curl of red hair running down her shoulder marking her mixed lineage. Her mouth was a little too big, and the delicate pattern of freckles was asymmetric across her soft facial features.
As for her body, things weren’t much better. She had somehow been cursed with a stick-thin body yet extremely noticeable breasts. It was hard to imagine that Harry had been thinking of her bedroom for any reason other than because the Order would never be looking for the home of an Initiate Heroine who was supposed to be in a Martian classroom right now.
She turned around at a noise Harry made. He got up quickly and grasped her shoulders, his eyes, bright green with just a fleck of phoenix flame at the center, shining excitedly.
“I’ve got an idea,” he said. “Remember Nega Ollivander? I think it’s time I cashed in that favor he owes me.”
x25Hermionicorn says Awesome chapter!!
fireofphoenices says First!
profesorquirrelkowsky says wow, much rational. so bayes.
nevilles_underpants says I’m so confused. Isn’t Nega Ollivander fused with the Stone? How is Harry going to talk to him?
Umbragex99 says he’s fused with the resurection stone, so he can still be talked to with ghost simplex.
Umbragex99 says soul* simplex
always_pings_wildbow says but the last time they went into the soul simplex harry fucking died! And Hermione made an enemy of the soul queen when she rescued him, so this plan is fucking stupid. Nega Ollivander fusing with ressurrection stone was a fucking cop out anyway. Celestia just couldnt think of any way for Kaethryn to defeat him after she made him overpowerd.
glitterkitten says For the last time, Nega Ollivander wasn’t overpowered, and him fusing with the Resurrection Stone wasn’t a cop-out. First of all, it was made clear that Nega Ollivander had weaknesses when Mad-Eye Moody mentioned “a Russian warlock who tried something similar” (Book 2, Chapter 34). That was clearly meant to be a reference to Rasputin since the leader of the Japanese delegation to the Space Games talked about Rasputin in a way that nearly exactly matched the description of Nega Ollivander in the first paragraph of Book 2, Chapter 63. Also, when we had the reveal about Apparition 2.0, a bunch of people pointed out in the comments, including me, how that could be used to defeat Nega Ollivander. I think it’s pretty clear that Cels wrote the climax of Book 2 the way that she did because she wanted to make it clear that although Kaethryn could have defeated him with rationality, she didn’t. Harry recognized her potential, but also that she has a lot of learning to do.
Second, can we talk about how stupid it is to accuse Celestia of a cop-out? She’s a great writer. We wouldn’t be reading and commenting obsessively on the seventy-ninth chapter in the third book minutes after it came out otherwise. I hate how fickle fan communities can be. At least entertain the possibility that you’re having a bad experience because you’re bad at experiences.
celestia_lovebad says A glitterkitten comment already!
glitterkitten says <3 I just want to find out what happens next so bad. :3
celestia_lovebad says Sometimes it feels like 90% of my motivation for writing is to find out what your next comment is going to be. :3
slatestarskitter says Watching two high-status members of my community interact makes my status gland go doki doki.
molestwrong says all hail glitterkitten Also, isn’t it weird how Harry said “Remember Nega Ollivander?” Like…how could Kaethryn forget? He kind of wand-raped her for most of a year.
glitterkitten says I think that line is supposed to indicate that, although Nega Ollivander is obviously a huge deal to Kaethryn, he’s just another bad guy to Harry. Remember, this fic is jumping off from the FAIl continuity, where Harry wasn’t able to Petrify Merlin’s shade with the basilisk in time. So this is a Harry who’s faced Quirrell, Moon!Grindelwald, and the Skeptics from Timeline 2. Nega Ollivander was just another Tuesday for Harry.
molestwrong says reiterate glitterkitten sentiment
mathpet says I wish glitterkitten would write a fic. I’d favorite it so damn fast.
celestia_badlove says Me too!
glitterkitten says I write worse than I dance.
elimazer_rackhamsky says Two left hands?
glitterkitten says More like no hands. And dialogue that sounds like it was written by someone with pretty much exactly the amount of daily human interaction that I typically have.
mathpet says Now I want to read a glitterkitten fic even more.
glitterkitten says No.
A knock shook the door. Hazel quickly clicked over to a browser that didn’t have over fifty different HPMOR fanfics open. “Coming!” she called, and hurried to the door, pulling a sweater on over her t-shirt, which had an image of snapping fingers.
Two burly men in suits were at the door. They looked like secret agents or something—dark glasses, earpieces, the works.
“Can we come in?” said the one on the left. His hair was dark and cropped.
“Do—do you have a warrant?” Hazel stammered. She felt like an idiot—isn’t that what a criminal would say? She wasn’t a criminal, but why were two FBI or CIA or whatever guys here? You were supposed to make them leave unless they had a warrant. They would try to pressure you. Or was that cops? What was the difference? Hazel felt the swirling sickness in her stomach that happened every time she had to interact with people. The fact that these people were dangerous made it a hundred times worse.
“Why, did you commit a crime?” said the other man. His hair was dark and cropped too.
“Answering our questions constitutes consent to be interrogated,” said the first agent. “You better let us in.” He leaned forward and pulled down his shades so she could see his eyes. “Glitterkitten.
Her heart beat so fast in her chest that she thought she was going to faint. “I—I don’t—what are you even—”
“Ma’am, these sunglasses have a chip that’s reading your heart rate right now. Stop trying to hide things.”
“Are you aware that reading fanfiction constitutes a Class E felony under current IP law?” said the other.
Hazel’s throat constricted. Everyone knew that no one actually got charged for reading fanfiction. It was like jaywalking or using a prostitution app: technically illegal, but not really.
“We’d like to talk to you inside your apartment,” said the first man.
“Ma’am, your Internet connection is provided by Disney-Comcast. That’s the internet this neighborhood is zoned for, meaning that your actions implicate the property owners. We don’t need your permission to enter. We already have theirs.”
Hazel felt like the world was breaking apart. In the same confused haze that she had experienced walking back to the car after being rejected by her first crush, where all the shapes and colors blurred into blotchy nonsense, she stepped back into her apartment, the agents following her inside. Somehow, she found the back of a chair with her hands and pulled herself into it, shaking so hard that the one leg that didn’t fit right against the floor rattled every time it knocked against the tile. One of the agents was pacing around her living room. The other placed a small device with a blinking red dot on the table.
“It’s better if you cooperate,” the agent said.
“Please don’t arrest me,” Hazel whimpered in a voice that might have shuddered or broke or not even escaped her lips at all; her jaw felt stuck and her tongue dry as sandpaper. Like many lovers of fiction, she had often imagined herself in the kinds of scenarios the heroes and heroines of her favorite stories found themselves in. Rationally, she had understood that she was more likely to fall apart and panic than bravely confront the danger. But the ego at the core of her soul had quietly insisted that she would be brave, when it was really time to be brave, and this insistence had been so constant and so certain that it hadn’t even been a voice, but more like the background noise of the wind on a windy day. And now, with the leg of the chair rapping against the floor loud enough to wake the dead, her fingers curling her hands into fists against her will, and the dry feeling of her face with all the blood draining from it, she realized that even her rational self had totally underestimated just how badly she would break down. Had she enough friends to be a part of any conspiracy, she would have sold them out within seconds and been grateful for the opportunity.
“Done,” said the agent pacing around her house.
The other agent touched something on the blinking device. “This is Agent White. Agent Grim has activated the localized EMP. Speaking on short wave now.”
Agent Grim came to the table and pulled a chair out. They both sat down.
“Hazel,” said Agent White. “You can speak freely. Sorry about frightening you like that. We have to play our parts as long as others are listening.”
“Y-you’re not here to arrest me?”
“Not even if their were corpses piled on top of your coffee table.”
“We would make a note of it though,” said Agent Grim.
“Quietly adjust missing persons records,” said Agent White.
Some of the noise from Hazel’s field of vision faded, and shapes and colors came into focus. She saw that Agent Grim was smiling, and Agent White looked a little apologetic. They both had their sunglasses off, and their eyes were charming.
“Thank god,” squeaked Hazel. This could be a trick to get you to talk, scolded part of her, but the rest of herself was quickly coming to accept that Hazel was never going to be any kind of hero.
“Let me tell you a little bit about the world,” said Agent White.
Hazel knew most of the story. Over the past thirty years, global warming had gotten so bad that most of Europe was under water. Efforts to evacuate the population offworld to Muskland had been bogged down in legal battles and tweets. In America, Eric Trump’s third term as President had led to skyrocketing unemployment, with Even More Modern Monetary Theory, or EMMMT, proving to be even less effective than its predecessor. Tweetcrime was out of control, and the mega-mergers like Disney-Comcast, McDonalds-British Petroleum, and Google-Sinopec had turned out pretty much how everyone expected them to. To escape reality, more and more people turned to virtual reality, which had turned into modern form of feudalism, with people slavishly working to mine virtual currencies to afford the micropayments necessary to live. April of 2019 had been when things really took a turn—a supervolcano explosion and the outbreak of the Facebook Wars.
But she hadn’t known that Australia had descended into civil war between people and the genetically enhanced spiders, which had seemed like such a great idea—all that spider silk. Apparently Google-Sinopec was blocking web access to information about the series of nuclear accidents in the Middle East. And there were plans in the works to make even more Star Wars movies.
“We hoped people would get smarter as the things they voted for had ever-worse effects,” said Agent White, while Hazel fought the urge to curl into a ball and cry. “But public opinion is worsening in every way. There are even people calling to recriminalize marijuana because it turns people psychotic.”
“No, that’s social media!” Hazel cried out in frustration.
“We know,” said Agent White. “I’m explaining the situation. We live in a world desperately in need of smart ideas. But the academics have given up. Physicists don’t see the point in developing new theories if the technologies are snatched up by corporations and the intellectual ideas sealed behind patent law.”
“The Elsevier-WIPO merger,” Hazel muttered.
“Ever since Alexandra Elbakyan was publicly executed, no one has tried to challenge it,” Agent White said. “Economists have given up on trying to correct public opinion. Philosophers have embraced every position by every major political party. Poetry is somehow even worse than it was in the 2010s, and no literature has a chance of selling any copies if the characters don’t name-drop Amazon at least once a chapter.”
“At least music is pretty good,” said Agent Grim. “I saw the Beatles holographic tour last month.”
“Then it’s hopeless,” said Hazel in a small voice.
“No,” said Agent White. “That’s where you come in.”
“Me?” Hazel said. “I’m just a…a—”
“An expert on the fanfiction of Harry Potter and the Methods of Rationality,” said Agent White. He was grinning.
So was Mr. Grim.
Hazel was strongly reminded of that one scene in Evangelion where all the NERV people were being really smug.
“Hey–Grim and White!” Hazel exclaimed. “Those are the Death Eater names of Lucius and Sirius!”
“Unless you go by the Shadows of Entropy canon, in which case Voldemort deliberately used misleading names,” said Mr. Grim.
“Oh, wow, a Shadows of Entropy fan!” Hazel gushed excitedly. “I loved the ending—I still can’t get over how Neville solved the riddle set by Maxwell’s Demon.”
“I wouldn’t know,” said Mr. Grim with an embarrassed smile. “I only played through the first bit of the visual novel.”
“Oh…yeah,” Hazel mumbled. This is why she didn’t talk to people. What she wanted to talk about so rarely matched up with what they wanted to listen to.
“Although HPMOR has humble beginnings, today it has thousands of catalogued fanfictions, many of which have their own extended fanfanfictions, and so on,” said Mr. White.
“Not to mention the yottabytes of HPMOR porn floating around out there,” smirked Mr. Grim. Hazel willed herself not to blush. She had consumed far more of that than she wanted to admit. Just yesterday’s nighttime activity had involved fanart of James Potter from the NeuRal NetWork continuity in a compromising position with the male DeepMind avatar that they used for the AlphaGo versus Leela matches.
“Mr. Grim and I belong to a task force assigned to do one thing: find a solution for humanity,” said Mr. White. “In our research, we noticed that the one remaining healthy, thriving community with a scientifically minded and positive, forward-thinking attitude toward civilization and the world is the members of the extended HPMOR fanfiction community.”
“So we developed a plan,” said Mr. Grim. “A plan so crazy that we initially treated it as a joke. But the more we thought about it, the more it made sense. Now it’s the only plan that doesn’t seem crazy.”
“That plan is—”
“An HPMOR fanfiction,” Hazel interrupted excitedly. “A fanfiction so big and incredible, so brilliant and inspiring, that it singlehandedly solves humanity’s problems.”
“Exactly,” said Mr. White, smiling.
“You see why we thought it was crazy,” said Mr. Grim.
“But what does that have to do with me?” Hazel asked. “I’m not a writer.”
“Your GlitterkittenReads Fanfiction page gets over two million visits a day,” said Mr. White.
“I mean, I just update more regularly than the other….”
“You’re the number one upvoted commenter on”
“That’s because….”
“We’re not asking you to write if you don’t want to,” said Mr. Grim. “But we do want you to meet the writers we do have.”
“Ohhh noooo,” said Hazel. “No, I don’t want to actually meet any—”
The space station was called Atlantis. Mr. White and Mr. Grim hadn’t accompanied her to space. Instead, they had arranged the trip, and now she was being shown around by a woman named Claire who introduced herself as “part of the administrative staff for Hopemor.”
That’s what they were calling it. Hopemor.
“And that’s the theater for viewing media from Earth,” said Claire. “Any questions?”
Hazel shook her head. The long tour had exhausted her, not to mention the challenge of keeping up in the exchange of pleasantries. Claire was one of those people who made social interactions effortless. It gave Hazel a headache.
“Go get some food,” Claire said with a sympathetic expression. “You remember where the cafeteria is?”
“Yeah,” Hazel said.
“You can do anything you want while you’re on Atlantis,” Claire added. “But we are having an orientation meeting at 15:00 in the community room. I did let a few writers know that Glitterkitten is on the station. I bet they’ll want to meet you.”
“I really wish I had picked a name that isn’t Glitterkitten.”
“I like it!”
“I was literally twelve and trying to be cute. But then my read-through of HPMOR got popular, and I was stuck with the name.”
“You don’t have to go by your online handle,” Claire assured her. “Though I think you might be surprised by how much weight the name ‘glitterkitten’ carries in the HPMOR fanfic community.”
At 15:00 exactly, Hazel opened the door to the community room. She was surprised by how many people were there. Instead of the half-dozen or so she had been imagining, there were at least two hundred people in the room.
Are they all HPMOR fanfiction writers?
Claire was there, along with a number of other people in uniforms. In her mind, Hazel was already separating the uniformed people from the casually dressed as administrators and writers, respectively.
Hazel found an empty seat while even more people trickled in. About five minutes later, it wasn’t Claire who spoke, but a uniformed man with shoulder-length blond hair.
“Hi, everyone, hi,” he said in a voice aimed over the noise of the general chatter. “Could I get everyone’s attention? Thanks.” His posture was relaxed, and he leaned his hips against the edge of a table. Throughout her short time on Atlantis, the staff and administration had deliberately maintained a very casual atmosphere. Clearly, the goal was to make the creative writers comfortable, like the Silicon Valley work environments of yore, before all the sexual harassment lawsuits and international data legislation wiped out all but the biggest tech groups, which started acting much more corporate afterward.
Not all of the chatter died down right away, and the man spoke a couple more times before people quieted down.
“Thank you for coming here,” he said. “My name is Daniel, or Dan. Dan the man is fine. I mean, if you call me that I’ll resent you, but I won’t show it.”
There were a few chuckles. Hazel felt her stomach knotting. There were too many people in one room, and no glowing shield of her computer screen to guard her from them.
“So I have about two hundred of the best and most easily contacted HPMOR fanfiction writers in the room with me today,” said Dan. “And I’m very excited about that. Most of you should have gotten the briefing, but just to make sure we’re all on the same page, this is about saving the world.”
There was more laughter. Dan chuckled too. “I know, it sounds like something out of a fanfiction. But it’s true. You all are the best and brightest, and we need you guys, girls, and others to bail us out.”
A guy in the audience raised a hand. “Are we all supposed to write one collaborative fanfic?”
“That’s—” Dan started.
“Because you guys probably aren’t writers, so you might think it’s easier to write with collaborators,” said the guy. “It’s actually harder.”
“Thanks for pointing that out,” Dan said, completely unflustered. “Actually, it’s all totally up to you guys. There’s almost no requirements—we think we’re going to see what kinds of groups emerge and have monthly meetings with those groups just to see what we can do on our end to help, but even that is up in the air. This is all about creating the ultimate creative environment for you writers to work your magic.”
“Okay, because I saw all these people in here and was like, okay, if they’re all writers too then this is pretty idiotic.”
“Yeah, we’re definitely letting the writers be in charge of the writing,” Dan said. “Whether that’s one two-hundred-person story or two hundred individual ones, it’s all up to you.” Dan addressed the rest of the attendees. “Basically the only point of this meeting is just to establish that the creative part of project Hopemor has officially begun. We also wanted you all to know how many other writers are here, and to start meeting and talking, if you want to. Obviously you don’t have to.”
“So there are no parameters on what we have to produce?” a woman with curly brown hair and plump cheeks asked.
“Harry Potter, rationality, and optimism are about the only three requirements, and even those are contingent,” said Dan, smiling.
“I’m probably going to keep working on my current story,” said an Indian guy with torn jeans. “I just don’t think I can concentrate on anything else.”
“Whatever works for you,” said Dan.
A blue-haired woman with black-painted nails spoke up. “Am I the only smut writer here?”
“Probably not,” said a voice, but no one volunteered themselves.
“What kind of smut do you write?” a guy asked curiously.
“My handle is cockfuckster96 on,” she said. “I write cockfucking stories.”
“What’s cockfucking?” he asked.
“Cocks in other cocks.”
The guy seemed to regret involving himself in the conversation. “Like…?”
“Like Harry fucking Neville’s cock. Quirrell fucking Snape’s cock. Quirrell, Harry, and Snape all fucking Neville’s cock.” She sat back, one arm around the back of her chair, wearing a smug expression.
“Oh shit, I read your stuff,” said a guy with a slight Ukranian accent. “I can’t believe how many scientific concepts you’re able to explain with cockfucking analogies.”
“We reached out to cockfuckster96, or Tabitha, as her mother calls her, because her stories reach a wide audience and have reportedly led a number of people to study rationality,” said Dan.
“But why cockfucking?” the first guy asked.
“I like guys who fuck guys’ cocks,” said Tabitha.
“You know guys don’t do that, right?”
“You don’t know the right guys.”
“We can move on,” said Dan, still wearing that easy smile.
“Is it just writers here?” asked a girl sitting up front with a bright white blouse. “Shouldn’t we have psychologists, marketers, media experts, that kind of thing?”
“The original writer of HPMOR didn’t,” said Dan. “But there are other types of artists here.”
“I’m a fan artist,” volunteered someone. A few other people revealed they drew art as well. There was a composer, and when she revealed she was behind the piece “Hermione’s Last Death,” a number of people burst into applause. There were also a few game designers, not just for visual novels, and even a guy who made animated films.
“You know who they should have gotten though?” said someone. “Glitterkitten.”
“Oh my Bayes,” said another. “Can you imagine her comments on the final project? If we have one, I mean.”
“I need her to explain my characters to me,” said one of the older women in the crowd. “I was depending on her explanations of all the character arcs by the end of First Derivative.
A guy with a lot of tattoos spoke up. “Yeah, I mean, I feel like I just write things, and then in the comments she explains all the themes and stuff, and I’m like ohhh, that’s what I’m doing.”
“We definitely thought about inviting glitterkitten here,” said Dan, grinning. “Would she like to say hi?”
“Wait, glitterkitten is here?” the guy said, and then shut up. The mood in the room had changed.
There was silence, and Hazel realized to her horror that Dan was expecting her to fill it.
“Um,” she said, and then about four hundred eyes were on her. “H…hi….”
“Why don’t you ever comment on my cockfucking stories?” demanded Tabitha.
Hazel had never expected to answer that question. “If you link them to me I’d be happy to take a look.”
“Can you explain to me what you said about how Ginny’s arc in Mathemagic is a reverse mirror of the villain’s?” said a guy with a long beard and lots of rings in it. “I’m the author, but I mean….”
“Um, sure, later,” said Hazel, quite wishing to open an airlock take a few deep breaths of space.
“Why don’t we break up into smaller groups?” said Dan. “From now on, Project Hopemor has begun. Talk to each other—or don’t—and make something amazing, please. The Earth is counting on you.”
There were tables with food and things to drink. Hazel grabbed a bagel with some spread and a small paper cup of soda. Gingerly, she nibbled on her food while trying not to drop anything, trip, or be looked at or spoken to.
She had been expecting to be rushed by people interested in her after the way her reveal had gone, but apparently there were enough other interesting people to talk. By sheer drift, she found herself sucked into a group of six other people, talking about the original HPMOR.
“We should take the best practices from the original creator,” said Mohammed, who did Bayesian vignettes. “No fanfic has been so influential since Paradise Lost.”
“You mean Eliezer Yudkowsky,” said a girl who Hazel thought was named Imka, but she had said it kind of fast and Hazel was afraid to ask for clarification. “Aka Lesswrong.”
“Aka wertifloke,” said Chandler, who said he mostly wrote fics based off other fanfics.
“That’s never been confirmed or denied,” said maybe-Imka.
Hazel tried her best to contribute to the conversation. “I heard he was almost done with the epilogue before he lost his life in the San Francisco Housing Revolt.”
“It sucks we never got to see it,” said Rushi. She had a pierced nose with a stud, and Hazel was trying not to stare. “I miss his pseudonymous shitposting.”
“Turns out he controlled the Twitter accounts for Donald Trump, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez, and Kendall Kardashian,” nodded Mohammed.
“His plan to achieve world peace with a combination of inflammatory political rhetoric and shady health and beauty products was truly visionary,” said Gael, who had a t-shirt showing fingers snapping and had retold HPMOR as an epic poem.
“It’s just a shame we never found out if there’s a chapter nine-and-three-quarters,” joked Hazel.
“What?” said Imka.
“Oh, sorry, just a dumb joke,” said Hazel, instantly regretting opening her mouth to do anything but eat and breath air. “Like, what if there was a secret chapter nine-and-three-quarters this whole time that you could only enter if you were accepted to go to a special rationality school? It’s just silly anyway. I was kidding.”
“How would he have even done that?”
Hazel shrugged and shook her head mutely.
“Anyway, we’re doing this without him, so it’s moot,” said Gael.
“But his will lives on.”
A slight woman with braided dark hair holding a mug with both hands stepped into their circle.
“What do you make?” asked Mohammed. It had quickly become the standard introductory question.
“I wrote Rebuild of HPMOR,” she answered.
“Fuck my mother and my father too,” said Imka. “You’re Gloec?”
“Mm-hm,” she answered. “But it’s pronounced glowsh. And you can just call me Ethan.”
Hazel was too stunned to be shy. “Rebuild is the number one upvoted fanfic on fuckdisneycomcast.cri. It’s the number one upvoted story period on ReadIt, and you can only read it there by going through like seven layers of security.”
“It’s the only fanfic to have contributed original and significant theorems to theoretical physics,” said Mohammed. “We can’t cite you because of IP laws, but we all know where the primary zero-mass theorem comes from.”
“Alexandra Elbakyan’s last ReadIt comment was on your story,” said Rushi. “Before they shot her full of bullets, cut off her head, crushed her body under a steam roller, threw it all into an incinerator, and blasted the ashes into space.”
“I loved your story,” Hazel gushed. “I reread it almost as much as I reread HPMOR.”
“I loved your comments,” Ethan answered. “Especially the one on chapter 34 about Harry’s dream.”
Hazel shook her head so violently that bits of bagel were sent flying. “Oh, I’m nothing, I’m not smart like you, you do real science, I can’t actually help.”
Ethan took a sip of her mug with both hands and smiled slightly. “Truth has a way of revealing itself,” she said.
Hazel slumped on her bed in the room Claire had showed her to. She felt completely drained after hours of talking about fanfiction and being pressed by authors for questions about their own work. Now she just wanted to eat the slice of cake she had taken from the cafeteria and veg out to some serious fanfiction.
There was a mirror that she saw her face in on her way to the desk with the terminal. Hazel stopped and looked at herself. She wasn’t exactly beautiful. Her hair was in some ways distinct from an average over the hair of all the models whose faces had appeared on fashion magazines, and her mouth was a little too big. As for her body—
Hazel slapped clapped her hands hard across her face. She was acting like a girl in a bad earthfic, stopping at the mirror to review her looks. The next cliche would be for a man to—
The door, which Hazel had forgotten to lock, pushed open. A male face poked in, followed shortly by a male body, and Hazel’s eyes got rather busy trying to take it all in. There was a lot of man there. A lot of gorgeous, hunky, male dude supporting a pair of deep blue eyes and a mouth that transformed into a sheepish smile.
“Sorry!” he said, glancing at the number on the door. “Wrong room—I think I’m—yeah, next door.”
Hazel swallowed some of the drool in her mouth.
“Real sorry,” he said again. “My name’s—hey, are you glitterkitten? Wow—well, anyway—”
He’s so fucking hot.
Oh my implausible god he’s so hot. Look at his chest, oh mmm yes look at his arms at his eyes oh god you’re staring look away, look away NO NOT AT HIS CROTCH YOU FOOL
“Anyway, I’ll be just down the hall, so…sorry!”
The door closed. Hazel groaned and covered her eyes. She had actually stood there gawking like an idiot without saying a single word. He probably thought she was the weirdest pervert on the planet—er, space station—and that included people who literally wrote stories about cocks going inside other cocks.
Hazel grabbed the slice of cake with her bare hand and slammed her butt down in the chair in front of the desk. She needed to reboot hard, and that meant HPMOR.
A minute later, she was reading through the opening chapters, smiling at Harry’s earnestness and McGonagall’s exasperation. She grinned in anticipation as she neared the end of chapter 9, remembering how much she enjoyed the conversation between Harry and the Sorting Hat. For her, that was when HPMOR really took off.
She clicked “next” at the bottom of the screen. The familiar line of text rolled across the screen.
Oh dear. This has never happened before…
Hazel blinked. That wasn’t right. She looked at the top of the page.
It didn’t say chapter 10.
More text was rolling across the screen. Hazel automatically started reading while her hands clenched and unclenched themselves.
Oh dear. This has never happened before…
She was in between chapter nine and chapter ten.
And what she read next made her mouth fall open.
submitted by timecubefanfiction to HPMOR [link] [comments]

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