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[FULL EPISODE] Green Man 3: Rise of the Golden God
9:00 PM On a Friday Philadelphia, PA EXT/NIGHT: Downtown Philadelphia A montage of the dark and murky streets of Philadelphia. NARRATOR: Philadelphia, after dark. Not where you want to be. The kind of place where mistaking a quiet alley for a safe one might be the last mistake you ever make… DR. WAITRESS walks into an alley, alone. Her footsteps echo. A figure steps out of the shadows. CRIMINAL 1: Hey, honey… What’s the rush? DR. WAITRESS turns around and starts to run. Another man steps out of the shadows and into her path. She screams. CRIMINAL 1: Me and Bruno here was thinkin’ we all might have a little fun, see? BRUNO: Heh, heh, heh. Fun. A voice from the background. It’s a deep, gravely superhero voice - sort of like an impression lampooning at Christian Bale’s voice in The Dark Knight… GREEN MAN: Is it the type of fun the whole family can enjoy? In a flash, Green Man dashes to Criminal 1 and hits him with a powerful uppercut. He goes down like a sack of bricks. BRUNO grabs DR. WAITRESS and starts to back away. GREEN MAN: Now, Troll Boy! Frank – disguised as his alter-ego and GREEN MAN’s trusty sidekick TROLL BOY – appears behind BRUNO, crouching down behind him as he backs up. BRUNO topples over TROLL BOY and WAITRESS runs free. TROLL BOY pulls out a pistol and executes BRUNO. GREEN MAN & DR. WAITRESS: Jesus Christ! GREEN MAN: Troll Boy! What the f*ck was that!? TROLL BOY: What? He’s a bad guy! He was going to kidnap her! GREEN MAN: Yeah, I know – but… Jesus! I mean… We’re heroes – you just executed the guy! TROLL BOY: Look, you be a hero your way – I’ll be a hero my way. CRIMINAL 1 comes to. He looks over at BRUNO and when he realizes what he’s seeing, races over to BRUNO’s corpse, becoming hysterical. CRIMINAL 1: Bruno? Bruno!? Come on, brother, speak to me. Oh no, no, no. (to TROLL BOY) WHAT HAVE YOU DONE? Oh, God, oh dear Jesus take me instead! GREEN MAN, TROLL BOY and DR. WAITRESS all look around at each other uncomfortably. TROLL BOY: Uh… CRIMINAL 1: BRUNO! WHY? You were going to Dartmouth in the fall! Oh, Bruno… BRUNO! GREEN MAN: OK, let’s get the hell out of here. GREEN MAN, TROLL BOY and DR. WAITRESS run out of the alley and around the corner. They stop, and GREEN MAN and DR. WAITRESS look deep into each other’s eyes. WAITRESS: Oh, how can I ever thank you, heroic stranger? Just then, a massive explosion is heard in the background. GREEN MAN: I guess you’ll have some time to think about it. With that, GREEN MAN leaps into action with TROLL BOY trailing behind. TITLE CARD:“Green Man 3: Rise of the Golden God” Credits roll over silhouettes of the main characters, accompanied by a dark-but-heroic score. STARRING CHARLIE KELLY … FRANK REYNOLDS … DENNIS REYNOLDS … DEANDRA REYNOLDS … THE WAITRESS … WITH MAC AS “ENRIQUE BEEFCAKE”… AND CRICKET AS “JOHNNY LOWLIFE”. INT/NIGHT: News Studio We join a news broadcast, already underway. NEWS ANCHOR: To recap, if you’re just joining us – a huge blast-type explosion has just created a hole-like-crater in the side of the Philadelphia Institute of Science, home to the some of the world’s most advanced technologies and stuff. Mayor Brian LeFevre says authorities are still surveying the inventory to determine what, if anything, might have been stolen. CUT TO INT/NIGHT: The Green Room GREEN MAN and TROLL BOY – now out of costume and under their real identities, CHARLES KELLY and FRANK REYNOLDS – are watching the newscast in their hideout, The Green Room (which is just Paddy’s, but with a bunch of high-tech looking stuff around). CHARLES grabs a martini from the bar. He’s a slick-looking, well-dressed playboy type. Frank is dressed like a slob as always, wearing a sweaty shirt with orange stains. CHARLES: What do you think, Frank? FRANK: I don’t know. The walls of the Philadelphia Institute of Science are reinforced with ultranesium; whoever blew that hole-like-crater must have had some serious firepower. CHARLES stirs his martini and ponders. CHARLES: Hmm. I’m going to go check it out. FRANK: Don’t you have a date tonight? CHARLIE: I’ll make it… Don’t wait up. CHARLES grabs his Green Suit and heads out. INT/NIGHT: The Philadelphia Institute of Science COMMISSIONER PEACOCK (Dee) and her team have the scene sealed off. DEPUTY GUTTERGASH (Artemis) approaches her. DEPUTY GUTTERGASH: Alright Commissioner, whole place has been sealed off and combed down. You want us to keep at it? COMMISSIONER PEACOCK: Nah, send the boys home. You get some rest too, Guttergash. GUTTERGASH: And you, ma’am? PEACOCK: I’m going to stick around for a bit. GUTTERGASH: Yes ma’am… Well, goodnight. GUTTERGASH and the rest of the cops clear out. COMMISSIONER PEACOCK crouches over a pile of rubble and sighs. MAYOR LEFEVRE: Peacock! All of a sudden, MAYOR BRIAN LEFEVRE (Dennis) walks into the scene with his silent bodyguard ENRIQUE BEEFCAKE (Mac). MAYOR LEFEVRE stops and allows ENRIQUE to perform an ocular patdown of PEACOCK. He clears her, and LEFEVRE steps forward. LEFEVRE: Peacock! Please tell me it isn’t true! They got… it? PEACOCK sighs. PEACOCK: I’m sorry, sir. LEFFEVRE: Jesus Christ, Peacock! Well, what are you doing to find it? PEACOCK: We have our best men on it, sir, and we’ve traced – LEFEVRE: Shut up, Peacock. Find it – now. Or I’ll find a Police Commissioner who can. MAYOR LEFEVRE and ENRIQUE leave the scene. PEACOCK crouches back over the rubble and sighs again. PEACOCK: What the hell am I missing? A voice from the background. GREEN MAN: Same thing as everybody else… the big picture. PEACOCK turns around. GREEN MAN steps out of the shadows. GREEN MAN: What did they take? PEACOCK sighs. GREEN MAN: What – did they take? PEACOCK: Twelve years ago, Philadelphia’s top scientists discovered a way to perfectly duplicate atomic mass. The mayor has kept it under wraps ever since, developing all kinds of military applications for it. GREEN MAN: Jesus Christ… You mean – whoever just blew this hole-like-crater the size of a small basin is out there running around with some kind of… cloning machine? PEACOCK: That’s right, Green Man. GREEN MAN notices something under a piece of rubble in the corner. He goes and picks it up. It’s an empty syringe. PEACOCK: What the hell is that? GREEN MAN: I think I might have just found the needle in this haystack… EXT/NIGHT: Outside the Philadelphia Institute of Science MAYOR LEFEVRE and ENRIQUE are walking from the Institute to their car, the driver waiting in it at the curb. All of a sudden, Philadelphia Tribune ace newshound SCOOPS MCKENZIE (Lawyer) walks out of the shadows and approaches the mayor. SCOOPS MCKENZIE: Mayor LeFevre? Scoops McKenzie, Philadelphia Tribune. Mind if I ask you a few questions about the break-in tonight? MAYOR LEFEVRE: We’re still looking into McKenzie, there’s nothing more to say. SCOOPS: Oh, is that so?... Because I did a little diggin’ – spun through the rolodex once or twice, greased a wheel or two – and I happened to come across a little email chain between the mayor’s office and a certain… geneticist? ENRIQUE steps forward, cracks his knuckles, and gets into a karate stance. MAYOR LEFEVRE steps forward as well and puts his hand on ENRIQUE’s shoulder. MAYOR LEFEVRE: Stand down Enrique, it’s OK. We’re all professionals here! I have to admit, McKenzie – I’m a big fan of your work. SCOOPS: Well I appreciate that mayor, but unfortunately flattery wasn’t the answer I was looking for. Now I’m just giving you a chance to comment here – but either way, this story runs front page tomorrow. MAYOR LEFEVRE: Ha… Well, then. I can see I’ve been bested. This is going to be a big story for you, McKenzie… Congratulations. MAYOR LEFEVRE extends his hand to SCOOPS to shake. SCOOPS pauses, and then cautiously reaches out and shakes. Just then, MAYOR LEFEVRE’s eyes and hair light up a bright gold – assuming the power of his alter-ego, THE GOLDEN GOD. SCOOPS screams, and rips his hand away – but it’s too late. The gold spreads from SCOOPS’ hand across his body – entombing him in seconds. MAYOR LEFEVRE’s eyes and hair return to normal. He turns to ENRIQUE. MAYOR LEFEVRE: Get rid of the body. And then go get those surveillance tapes. I’ve got work to do. MAYOR LEFEVRE gestures to a security camera pointed toward them. ENRIQUE nods and lifts the solid gold body like it’s a feather. He disappears into the night. MAYOR LEFEVRE gets in the backseat of the car, and it drives off. INT/NIGHT: Johnny Lowlife’s Hideout Small-time criminal JOHNNY LOWLIFE (Cricket) is tying off in his “hideout”, a couple of boxes and sheets underneath an overpass. JOHNNY sings as he prepares to shoot up. JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Hair-oh-ween, if ya know what I mean! I would lick a spleen, for some hair-oh-ween! He reaches around for something, but can’t seem to find it. A voice from the background. GREEN MAN: Looking for something? JOHNNY jumps up and then recoils in fear. JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Ah, oh God, no! GREEN MAN: Only you’d be stupid enough to leave a kickprick at a crime scene, Johnny Lowlife. JOHNNY LOWLIFE: I’m sorry! I just needed some crank, bad! I tried to rob some teens but they overpowered me and threw me down a manhole! GREEN MAN: The real mystery is how a waste of oxygen like you manages to blow through an ultranesium wall… and why. So start talking. JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Look, man – I just did a job for these two brothers. That’s all. They brought the juice, I just made the bang go pop – OK? Then they sent some other guy in to take care of the rest. GREEN MAN: These brothers – what were their names? JOHNNY LOWLIFE: I don’t know their names. All I know is they operate out of the old dairy factory on Third – and they pay cash. GREEN MAN: What? How do you know they’re brothers if you don’t know their names? JOHNNY LOWLIFE: I don’t… I don’t know how I know that... GREEN MAN stares at JOHNNY LOWLIFE and then starts to walk away. JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Hey, can I have my syringe? GREEN MAN tosses the syringe into a pile of dog crap. JOHNNY LOWLIFE picks it up immediately. JOHNNY LOWLIFE: Thank you! GREEN MAN pulls out his phone and calls TROLL BOY. GREEN MAN: Troll Boy. Do me a favour – head over to the old dairy factory on Third. I’ll text you the details… I’ve got a date to catch. INT/NIGHT: The Old Dairy Factory TROLL BOY walks through the old dairy factory. It’s dark and dusty. TROLL BOY: Don’t even know what the hell I’m lookin’ for here. Two guys that might be brothers? While Charles is off wreckin’ some clam? This is some goddamn bullshit – I hate being a sidekick. TROLL BOY hears a crack and whips around. A gang of criminals step out of the shadows, led by the BOILER BROTHERS – BERT BOILER (Liam McPoyle) and BART BOILER (Ryan McPoyle). The BOILER BROTHERS are each holding a jar of brownish milk, and both are sporting milk moustaches. BERT BOILER: Who the hell are you? BART BOILER: Some kind of Monster Grandpa? TROLL BOY: It’s Troll Boy, dickhead. BART BOILER: Well, I mean, you’re definitely not a boy. BERT BOILER: What are you doing here, Troll Boy? TROLL BOY: Looking for you two, I imagine. BERT BOILER opens his jar of brown milk. TROLL BOY recoils at the smell. TROLL BOY: Oh, Christ – are you drinking that milk? That shit’s probably been sittin’ here since the Depression! BERT BOILER: This is hyper-pasteurized goat’s milk from 1935. BART BOILER: It’s been aged to perfection. The vitamins have been stewing in their own juices for nearly a century. BERT BOILER: This milk is packed with such an intense concentration of nutrients, each sip gives us a superhuman-like boost of adrenaline. BART BOILER: And it tastes divine – especially at room temperature. BERT BOILER: We call it hypermilk. TROLL BOY: Oh God, it smells like someone died in an outhouse! BERT BOILER: What are you doing here, Troll Boy!? TROLL BOY: Jesus, that stinks… Are you the two brothers that hired Johnny Lowlife to break into the Institute of Science? BERT BOILER: Well we are brothers – Bert and Bart Boiler, the Boiler Brothers – but as for the other thing… BART BOILER: That sounds like a question you shouldn’t be asking… BERT BOILER: Lucius? LUCIUS, an enormous and imposing member of the BOILER BROTHERS’ gang, steps forward. He chugs a jar of hypermilk, smashes the empty jar, and lets out a primal scream. He grabs a baseball bat wrapped in rusty chains and laughs maniacally as he walks toward TROLL BOY. TROLL BOY pulls out his pistol and shoots LUCIUS in the stomach. LUCIUS drops to his knees. The gang screams in horror. TROLL BOY executes LUCIUS, point blank. BERT BOILER: JESUS FUCKING CHRIST! BART BOILER: LUCIUS!!! BERT BOILER: What the hell is wrong with you!? Are you insane!? TROLL BOY: What!? He was about to beat me with a baseball bat! BERT BOILER: So you punch him! You throw him into a wall! You don’t shoot him in the stomach and head!! TROLL BOY: Look at me, you think I can pick that guy up and throw him? He’s got like 200 pounds on me! Plus he was all hopped up on the milk! BART BOILER: You really are a Monster Grandpa! TROLL BOY: Alright, screw this. TROLL BOY fires a round into the ceiling. TROLL BOY: Now tell me why you hired Johnny Lowlife to do the Institute job or I’ll blow every single one of you bastards full of holes! BERT BOILER: Alright, alright – look… We were just in charge of getting into the place, so we hired the only person desperate enough for drug money to handle the extremely dangerous amount of unstable explosive material needed to blow through ultranesium. TROLL BOY: Lowlife told my partner that someone else was sent in to finish the job… Who was it? The BOILER BROTHERS look at each other. Silence. TROLL BOY fires another round into the ceiling. TROLL BOY: Who was it!? BART BOILER: Enrique Beefcake! BERT: Bart! BART: You saw how casually he murdered Lucius, man. If you want to die for them, that’s fine – but I’m not ready to go yet, man – I just bought a houseboat! BERT: Wait… you’re moving out? TROLL BOY fires a third round into the ceiling. The BOILER BROTHERS jump back to attention. TROLL BOY: You mean Enrique Beefcake, as in the mayor’s right-hand man? Why the hell would the mayor break into his own Institute? BERT BOILER: Look, we’ve told you all we know. Now can you please leave so we can clean up our friend’s corpse and give him a proper Amish burial? TROLL BOY: Sure. And for what it’s worth, I’m sorry about shooting him. But you know, could be a good lesson… maybe it’s time to start carrying guns, right? BART BOILER: Get out! TROLL BOY: Ok, I’m going. TROLL BOY starts to leave, but notices a crate of hypermilk by the exit. He looks back, picks up a few jars, slips them into his utility belt – and leaves. INT/NIGHT: Philadelphia Police Headquarters COMMISSIONER PEACOCK sits at her desk in the empty office. She’s looking at papers on her desk. PEACOCK sighs, leans back, and makes a phone call. She pauses for a few seconds as the line rings out and goes to voicemail. PEACOCK: Hey honey… Tried your cell a few times, figured I’d see if you were maybe home already – but I guess you must just be slammed with all of this. I suppose it’ll be a long night for both of us. Anyways, give me a shout if you get a few seconds. Love you. CUT TO INT/NIGHT: Commissioner Peacock’s Home As Peacock’s voicemail ends – we see the landline phone at her home. The camera pulls back to reveal a wedding photo on the wall behind the phone – it’s of COMMISSIONER PEACOCK and her husband, SCOOPS MCKENZIE. CUT BACK TO INT/NIGHT: Philadelphia Police Headquarters PEACOCK hangs up the phone and sighs. DEPUTY GUTTERGASH walks into the office with two cups of coffee. GUTTERGASH: Need a recharge? PEACOCK smiles, and GUTTERGASH hands her the coffee. PEACOCK: I thought I told you to get some rest, Guttergash. GUTTERGASH: Ah, I just got one of these instead. GUTTERGASH raises her coffee cup. PEACOCK laughs and takes a long sip. PEACOCK: That does hit the spot. GUTTERGASH: Yep, nothing does the trick like a good old fashioned cup of joe with some crushed Modanifil and three ounces of liquid methylphenidate. PEACOCK pauses. PEACOCK: … What? What are those words? What the hell did you just give me? GUTTERGASH: Yeah, I call it a booster shot! Gets the blood moving. PEACOCK: Oh my god. I drank like a third of this already! GUTTERGASH: Ooo – that’s not good. Better to go slow, this stuff is real potent. PEACOCK: Umm, I can smell shapes! Is that supposed to happen? GUTTERGASH: Not for a few hours at least. PEACOCK picks up a glass and hurls it across the room. She screams at the top of her lungs. GUTTERGASH: Oh boy. Well, I should probably skip out – I really just came by to drop off the booster shot… and this. GUTTERGASH pulls a USB stick from her pocket and puts it on PEACOCK’s desk. PEACOCK: What? What? What the hell is this? GUTTERGASH: Well we already reviewed all the surveillance from the scene of the break-in, but this is the footage from the other cameras around the building. PEACOCK: I thought that footage was destroyed!? They destroyed it!! GUTTERGASH: It’s the 21st century - everything gets backed up. GUTTERGASH leaves. PEACOCK stares at the USB stick. She screams at the top of her lungs again and punches a hole in a cubicle divider. EXT/NIGHT: The Swan’s Knuckle CHARLES, out of costume, arrives in his million-dollar Italian sportscar – the Sexerati Thrusterosa – at Philadelphia’s finest restaurant, The Swan’s Knuckle. He gives the keys to the valet and walks into the restaurant. In the foyer he spots a woman in a beautiful dress, facing away from him. CHARLES: Look at you – early as usual. His date turns around. It’s DR. WAITRESS. DR. WAITRESS: Well, hello handsome. The two embrace and share a passionate kiss. CUT TO INT/NIGHT: The Swan’s Knuckle CHARLES and DR. WAITRESS are at their table. CHARLES: So… have they told you what was stolen yet? DR. WAITRESS: No, not yet. The cops won’t let any staff into the Institute until they’re finished in there, which could be weeks. CHARLES: Are you worried it be could be something dangerous in the wrong hands? DR. WAITRESS: I don’t know, Charles. Knowing what’s in there though… The possibilities are scary. CHARLES: So… anything else exciting happen today? DR. WAITRESS pauses. DR. WAITRESS: Um, nope. Nothing I can think of. CHARLES looks at DR. WAITRESS suspiciously, but suddenly - his phone vibrates. He looks at it and reads the text from Frank: “Mayor behind Institute break-in. Meet at City Hall NOW”. CHARLES is shocked. DR. WAITRESS: Is everything OK, sweetheart? CHARLES: Um, no – actually. There’s… been a fire at one of the factories… DR. WAITRESS: Oh my god! CHARLES: Yeah, hundreds of good, hard-working people burned to a crisp… So I probably should be going! DR. WAITRESS: Yeah, of – of course. Go. Let me know if there’s anything I can do. CHARLES: Thanks, Darling. I’ll make it up to you. CHARLES kisses DR. WAITRESS and dashes out. DR. WAITRESS watches CHARLES leave, and as soon as he exits – she dashes out the back exit. Seconds later, THE GUGINO’S WAITER arrives at their table carrying a bottle of wine. GUGINO’S WAITER: Here we are, our finest wine – uncorked after 73 years just for – The GUGINO’S WAITER realizes there’s nobody at the table. He looks around. GUGINO’S WAITER: Oh, goddamn it. EXT/NIGHT: Streets of Philadelphia TROLL BOY is running through the streets of Philadelphia to meet GREEN MAN at City Hall. He cuts down a dark back road. A figure steps out of the shadows onto the sidewalk. It’s CRIMINAL 1, from the first scene of the episode. He’s got a gun. TROLL BOY: Oh, shit! It’s you! CRIMINAL 1: You… you killed him… you killed my Bruno. TROLL BOY reaches for his gun. CRIMINAL 1 pulls the hammer back on his gun and points it at TROLL BOY’s head. CRIMINAL 1: Don’t – move! … Ever since that fateful moment, that moment when you took the person dearest to me from this Earth … I’ve been thinking about what I’d say to you when I saw you. Meticulously choosing each word, obsessively rehearsing and – All of a sudden, a police cruiser comes out of nowhere and crushes CRIMINAL 1. TROLL BOY: Oh, shit! PEACOCK jumps out, gun drawn, still tweaking on the drugs GUTTERGASH slipped her. PEACOCK: Hey! Troll Boy! Do you know where – PEACOCK notices the corpse of CRIMINAL 1 under her car. PEACOCK: OK, no time for that – Troll Boy, we’ve gotta go – we’ve gotta get Green Man. The mayor killed my husband and I want to go get some revenge. TROLL BOY: What!? PEACOCK: Yeah, he killed my husband – he turned him into gold, I guess he’s got some kind of power where he can turn people into gold, and he did that to my husband and so now my husband is gold and dead. Anyways, I’m absolutely flying on some shit my deputy slipped into my coffee so I haven’t been able to emotionally process anything yet, I’m just really, really focused on this revenge, and getting it – on the mayor, for turning my husband into a dead, gold, dead guy. So, let’s go get Green Man – and let’s go. Let’s go, ok? TROLL BOY: Yeah, oh – OK. We’re actually heading there already anyways to - PEACOCK fires her gun into the air and screams at the top of her lungs. TROLL BOY runs around to the other side of the cruiser and gets in the passenger seat. PEACOCK gets in the driver’s seat and peels out. TROLL BOY notices a coffee cup in the cupholder. TROLL BOY: So, is this the coffee with the drugs in it? PEACOCK: Yeah, I figured I’m probably going to need all the energy I can for this revenge scheme. TROLL BOY: Huh… Can I have a couple sipskis? PEACOCK: Yeah, please – it’s actually good if you chug a lot of it real fast. TROLL BOY pulls out a jar of hypermilk. TROLL BOY: Oh, wait – I got this rank milk, these assholes were getting cranked up off it – I killed one of them, but I got took some of their milk. Should we put some in the coffee? PEACOCK: Yeah, sure – rank milk, put the rank milk in. TROLL BOY pours some of the hypermilk into the coffee. TROLL BOY: Bottoms up bitch! TROLL BOY chugs the coffee. PEACOCK laughs maniacally as the cruiser tears through the streets of Philly. INT/NIGHT: News Studio We rejoin the broadcast, now with breaking news. NEWS ANCHOR: If you’re just joining us, we have some sad and shocking news to report. One of this city’s journalistic giants, Scoops McKenzie of the Philadelphia Tribune – was found dead earlier this evening, his body encased in a gold-like-substance, most likely gold… In an another disturbing twist, whoever responsible for the murder had tied a magnifying glass above the corpse, appearing to incorrectly assume the sun would melt it in the morning. Police are still – The broadcast cuts to static for a few seconds, before cutting to a shot of THE GOLDEN GOD – now in a golden warlock-like costume and aviation goggles to go along with his hair and eyes. GOLDEN GOD: A goddamn magnifying glass? What a moron. (Notices he’s live) Oh - hello Philadelphia! What do you think of my work? You don’t have to answer – I know you love it. It’s gold, after all – and everyone loves gold. Sweet, pure, powerful gold. And soon, you – just like Scoops McKenzie – will have your gold. I will deliver it to you. For I… AM THE GOLDEN GOD! AND I WILL POUR THE MOLTEN SUN UPON THE WORLDS OF MEN! Bow to me now, Philadelphia – and perhaps some of you will be spared. GOLDEN GOD laughs maniacally, and the feed cuts back to the studio. The news anchor is entombed in solid gold. EXT/NIGHT: Philadelphia City Hall Green Man arrives in front of City Hall as the rain starts to pour. He stares at the building – a crack of lighting, and he’s gone. CUT TO – INT/NIGHT: Philadelphia City Hall Two security guards patrol the lobby. SECURITY GUARD 1: So, should we go grab a drink in celebration of this, our last shift as security guards? SECURITY GUARD 2: Absolutely – I can’t wait to begin my new life at the monastery tomorrow. SECURITY GUARD 1: Nor me, to start my new career as a face model! Just then, GREEN MAN flashes out of nowhere and strikes SECURITY GUARD 1 directly in the face. He stumbles back and lands face-first in a barrel labeled “Broken Glass for the Homeless”. GREEN MAN turns and walks toward SECURITY GUARD 2. SECURITY GUARD 2: Wait, I’m still discovering the four Noble Truths! GREEN MAN picks up SECURITY GUARD 2. GREEN MAN: Number three… there is an end to suffering! GREEN MAN tosses SECURITY GUARD 2 into a wall, knocking him unconscious. CUT TO - INT/NIGHT: Philadelphia City Hall A montage rolls of GREEN MAN taking down security guards around City Hall, on his way up to the Mayor’s Office. He reaches a hallway that with a sign that reads “This way to Mayor’s Office – must be 18 (IDs WILL be checked)”. As he runs down the hall, the lights go out. When they come back on, ENRIQUE BEEFCAKE stands between GREEN MAN and the Mayor’s Office – his signature cat eyes in place. GREEN MAN: Beefcake! We don’t have to do this! ENRIQUE charges at GREEN MAN. The two of them clash in awesome hand-to-hand combat. Equally matched, they pause to catch their breath – and GREEN MAN notices a cross and rosary beads around ENQIRUE’s neck that has become visible during the fighting. GREEN MAN: Ah… a religious man, are you Beefcake? ENRIQUE doesn’t respond. GREEN MAN: Huh… Must be hard listening to your boss walk around calling himself “The Golden God”. ENRIQUE looks away in thought. GREEN MAN: Tell me Beefcake… does the Bible say anything about worshipping other Gods? ENRIQUE clutches his rosary beads. GREEN MAN: Killing people, turning them into gold… I wonder what Jesus would think about that… ENRIQUE sighs heavily. He stares at his cross. GREEN MAN: Come with me, Beefcake… Repent with me. We can put an end to this, together. ENRIQUE looks down in shame. He takes his cat eyes off and throws them on the ground. He looks up at GREEN MAN, who smiles. ENRIQUE walks toward GREEN MAN – pauses – and then continues to walk past him, toward the exit. GREEN MAN sighs, and runs toward the Mayor’s Office. INT/NIGHT: The Mayor’s Office/Laboratory GREEN MAN walks into the Mayor’s Office, to discover it’s a massive laboratory. GOLDEN GOD is nowhere to be seen – but his voice suddenly echoes throughout the room. GOLDEN GOD: Hello Green Man… Why do I get the feeling you aren’t here to surrender? GREEN MAN: Show yourself LeFevre! MAYOR LEFEVRE steps out of the shadows, back in his regular mayoral outfit. MAYOR LEFEVRE: Very well. GREEN MAN runs toward MAYOR LEFEVRE. He hits him with a powerful uppercut, and MAYOR LEFEVRE flies back into a shelf. The shelf falls onto him. GREEN MAN stares at the corpse of MAYOR LEFEVRE, and begins to turn around. Suddenly, another MAYOR LEFEVRE tazes him in the neck, and GREEN MAN blacks out. CUT TO – INT/NIGHT: The Mayor’s Office/Laboratory GREEN MAN comes to – only to realize he’s in a high-tech chair being held down by steel restrainers. He struggles to break free, but it’s no use. GOLDEN GOD walks into view. GOLDEN GOD: Philadelphia’s Greatest Hero… The Green Man. Do you know you’re child’s play to me? Do you see that now? I could kill you this instant. GREEN MAN: Then why don’t you? GOLDEN GOD: Because, you fool – I need to reveal my secret plan! GREEN MAN: I’m assuming you’re going to make an army of clones of yourself and use it to turn everyone else gold? GOLDEN GOD: I’m going to – eh, what? Damn, it Green Man - you figured out my plan? GREEN MAN: Well, yeah. Pretty – pretty easy to piece together. GOLDEN GOD: Well whatever, the plan may be conceptually simple, but it’s a goddamn good one… GOLDEN GOD stares off into space and daydreams… CUT TO – EXT/DAY: Philadelphia in Mayor Lefevre’s Fantasy In his daydream, MAYOR LEFEVRE walks down a colorful city street on a beautiful sunny day. As he walks, he passes MAYOR LEFEVRE clones out and about, chatting on steps, working in the shops and waving to MAYOR LEFEVRE as he goes by. They’re the only people on the street. MAYOR LEFEVRE CLONE 1: Morning, Brian! MAYOR LEFEVRE: Hey Brian! MAYOR LEFEVRE CLONE 2: Lovely day, ay Brian? MAYOR LEFEVRE: Hope it never ends, my friend! He sees a MAYOR LEFEVRE clone struggling to lift a box onto the back of a truck. MAYOR LEFEVRE: Need a hand with that Brian? MAYOR LEFEVRE CLONE 3: Oh, that’d be great. The two MAYOR LEFEVREs lift the box onto the truck. MAYOR LEFEVRE CLONE 3: So… how can I… thank you? The two MAYOR LEFEVREs start passionately making out. Other MAYOR LEFEVRE clones crowd around, aroused by what they see. CUT BACK TO INT/NIGHT: The Mayor’s Office/Laboratory GOLDEN GOD’s eyes are still closed. GOLDEN GOD: Oooh… Oh yeah. Get in there, boys. GREEN MAN: Um, what the fuck is happening? GOLDEN GOD snaps back to reality. GOLDEN GOD: Oh. Uh… Excuse me… GOLDEN GOD turns and strolls as he talks. GOLDEN GOD: We can only use the replicator to create powerless versions of my likeness for now… We need to modify the process for my unique genetic code in order to clone my powers as well – something we were planning to do in secrecy, before that goddamn reporter had to ruin everything! GREEN MAN: Wait… we? GOLDEN GOD: Yes… You could say I’m more of the brawn in this operation… And the looks. DR. WAITRESS steps out of the shadows. DR. WAITRESS: (to Golden God) Well hello, handsome. GREEN MAN gasps. DR. WAITRESS: I see you remember me, Green Man. You should have let those thugs kill me in that alley… I guess I’m not going to get the chance to thank you after all. GREEN MAN: Why are you helping this guy? DR. WAITRESS walks back over to GOLDEN GOD and starts stroking his arm. DR. WAITRESS: Because he’s a God – and I worship him. GREEN MAN: Are you serious? I bet he doesn’t even know your name! GOLDEN GOD laughs nervously. GOLDEN GOD: Ha… That’s – that’s ridiculous… Uh, silence! Silence, by the way! DR. WAITRESS steps back and looks at GOLDEN GOD. DR. WAITRESS: OK… what’s my name? GOLDEN GOD stumbles. GOLDEN GOD: Uhh… DR. WAITRESS: Oh, are you kidding me!? GOLDEN GOD: Um, you’re my Golden Goddess! I’m the Golden God and you’re my Golden Goddess! DR. WAITRESS: You are such an asshole! You know what, I’m helping this guy now. DR. WAITRESS starts to walk toward GREEN MAN. GOLDEN GOD shrugs and grabs DR. WAITRESS’ shoulder. His hair glows. DR. WAITRESS rips herself away – but it’s too late. GREEN MAN: No! Dr. Waitress! GOLDEN GOD: Right, that’s it. DR. WAITRESS stares back at GREEN MAN as she turns to gold. GOLDEN GOD: Well now I’m going to have to find another smart-but-pathetic girl to do all the heavy lifting here – so thanks for that, Green Man. You know what, just for that – you die now. A group of MAYOR LEFEVRE clones step out of the shadow. GOLDEN GOD: It’s been fun – but I think I’m going to go walk around and turn some people into gold. Then I’ll call it a night. Boys… GOLDEN GOD walks out of the room as the MAYOR LEFEVRE clones gather around GREEN MAN. Just as they’re about to attack – PEACOCK and TROLL BOY burst into the room, tweaking and guns blazing. PEACOCK shoots a clone in the head and the rest scatter; PEACOCK chases them down, laughing maniacally, while TROLL BOY runs to GREEN MAN’s rescue. TROLL BOY still has the coffee in his hands. TROLL BOY: Hey, hey Charles. Sorry about all this. Here ya go! TROLL BOY uses his drug-induced superhuman strength to rip the restrainers clean off the chair. GREEN MAN: Holy shit, dude! TROLL BOY: Yeah, we drank some of this coffee – it’s full of stuff, lots of stuff Charles. You want some? GREEN MAN: Uh – no thanks, man. TROLL BOY: OK, great – more for me. Anyways, let Peacock and me kill these clones – you go get that gold bitch! TROLL BOY screams and runs after a clone, firing randomly. GREEN MAN chases after GOLDEN GOD. INT / NIGHT: Philadelphia City Hall – Main Lobby GREEN MAN arrives in the main lobby of City Hall, just as GOLDEN GOD is about to walk out the front doors to unleash havoc on Philadelphia. GREEN MAN: Lefevre! We’re not done! GOLDEN GOD turns around. His hair glows. He raises his hands, also glowing. GOLDEN GOD: You fool! I am a God! You’re just a man in a green suit - you’re no match for me! A voice from the background. It’s a horrible Swedish accent. ENRIQUE BEEFCAKE: Vell vhy don’t ve even de odds! GREEN MAN: Beefcake! BEEFCAKE: Dere’s only one God, mayor – and his name is… vell, ve don’t really – he doesn’t actually have a… It’s God. God is God. GOLDEN GOD: Silence, moron! Ugh, I hate that goddamn voice. Banning you from speaking was absolutely the right decision. GREEN MAN: You banned him from speaking? I just thought he was a mute! (To Beefcake) Come on Beefcake – let’s do this. ENRIQUE: Yeah, OK – dat’s good Green Man! Just don’t let him touch you or he’ll turn you into the gold having! GOLDEN GOD: Oh – what, are you German now? ENRIQUE and GREEN MAN descend on GOLDEN GOD. In a beautiful, coordinated attack, they pummel him from either side while dodging each of GOLDEN GOD’s attempts to grasp them. GREEN MAN delivers the final blow – a powerful kick to the head. GOLDEN GOD falls to his knees. The glow in his eyes and hair goes out. He falls over, badly beaten and dazed – but still alive. GREEN MAN: Now, time to lock you up where you’ll never hurt another so– PEACOCK and TROLL BOY burst in again, still tweaking. They shoot the mayor over and over as they scream. PEACOCK: Yeah, that’s right bitch! That’s what you get for turning my husband gold, you gold jackass. Gold piece of shit! TROLL BOY: I don’t want to be a sidekick anymore! I hate it! I want the cars and the broads and I want to say cool shit! GREEN MAN: God… damn it. ENRIQUE: Yeah! Dat’s right! Send him to Hell! TROLL BOY: Hey Enrique! Want a pick-me-up? TROLL BOY still has the coffee. He hands it to ENRIQUE, who takes a sip. ENRIQUE’s eyes widen. He grabs TROLL BOY’s gun and starts shooting GOLDEN GOD’s corpse along with PEACOCK. TROLL BOY cheers them on. As they continue to shoot and cheer, the camera pulls out back into the streets of Philadelphia. CUT TO - EXT/NIGHT: Downtown Philadelphia A montage of the city rolls. NARRATOR: Well, Philadelphia. You’re safe – for another day, at least. Lucky you. I guess the only question is – what’s waiting tomorrow? The GREEN MAN’s silhouette flashes through the streets. NARRATOR: Whatever it is… You can sleep easy, Philadelphia… Because he’s out there. Watching. Listening. The defender… the seeker of justice… the – Green Man! THE END Wow - you actually read this entire thing? Thank you so much! I also wrote another episode if you care to check it out: Charlie's Place. Thanks again for reading!!
Hey all. Got a bit of feedback regarding my blog and posts and it was a bit positive, so here's my Day 3 writeup. Text below, link to website and full Google Document tracking tips is there: https://valueburglar.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/cheltenham-festival-2019-day-3-tips/ Day 2 was much better than Day 1! With 9pts / £90 staked, and 12 pts / £120 returned, that’s the healthy sort of return we want consistently. Of course, we’re down overall, but forgive me for not worrying about that too much right now at the nascent stages of this venture. It was also a good day for punters in general, with Altior retaining his crown (albeit with a little scare); Tiger Roll dominating; and the well-backed Band of Outlaws and Envoi Allen obliging, too. Without further ado, here are my musings ahead of Thursday’s racing. There are a lot of very big fields and as a result, hopefully loads of value to find. Let’s continue the revival! JLT Joel over at 2pts win, at the time of writing, simply says “Defi Du Seuil will win. 1pt win Defi Du Seuil @ 3/1” – and while I assume he’ll be a little more expansive on this in due course, I can’t really disagree. But right now, he’s 5/2, and that’s a little too skinny for my liking. Thus, we take him on with just the one bet. I think Kildisart (9/1 generally) is the one to be on board at the prices. If his jumping improves (it looks a bit novicey, which is fair for a novices’ race!), then he can have a big say in proceedings. Lostintranslation will have to find a little with Defi Du Seuil, especially off level weights, as will Vinndication – whose tendency to jump right-handed isn’t encouraging around Cheltenham, either. Real Steel would be a likeable bet, but he’s being supported even now into 6/1 (opened I think at 8s), so despite his lack of exposure, I’m going to swerve. Voix Du Reve is Ruby Walsh’s choice, and he loves this race. His form has been bang there, and he’d be my second option in this race – Walsh having won the JLT thrice. Pertemps I find it strange that a Barry Geraghty-saddled horse in Sire Du Berlais is a relatively strong head of the market. His handicap record at Cheltenham is terrible, to go back to this Fat Jockey Forum thread. That said, the last three Pertemps winners have all been Irish, and have all been strong in the betting. To that end, I’ll go with current fourth-favourite Walk To Freedom (12/1 each way with William Hill, 1/5 1-5), who is Robbie Power’s fancy for the race, and who ran a blinder in one of the qualifiers for this race. With two recent winners being at the top of the weights, Walk To Freedom could be another, and I like the value. I have to have a second selection here though, especially with six places paid at some firms. Aaron Lad (14/1 each way, Paddy Power or Betfair, 1/5 1-6) is trained by the shrewd Richard Newland and connections have hinted his 90-day break before this race was probably the plan. His last run was over course and distance and I was really taken with how much more he had to give the further the race progressed. A 9lb rise needs to be defied, though, but I’m happy with the price regardless. There are too many others to mention and to cross-reference, but Abolitionist is taking a very similar route toward the Grand National as Pineau De Re, who wasn’t beaten far in this race on the way to a GN 2nd in 2014 – though I’m hoping just for a safe spin round. Wait For Me, with an estimable Cheltenham record, is worth a lash at a big 40/1, but wasn’t too good in last year’s Pertemps, so I’m not poking. First Assignment and Samburu Shujaa are both skinny-ish prices for a reason, too. Ryanair Chase What a card. This is one of the deepest races at the festival. We are almost certainly going to see a bit of a pace war at the front, with four or five who like to make the running (Monalee, Un De Sceaux, Footpad, Frodon etc) ensuring it. The bookies also all seem to have a vice-like grip on the market, with it so competitive. At the time of writing, the top five in the market are generally between 4/1 and 7/1. With BetVictor (again!) paying a fourth place on this race, I’m gonna take a chance on Terrefort (25/1 each way with BetVictor, 1/5 1-4), who has looked decent when healthy this year, finishing in the frame behind Frodon and Clan Des Obeaux at trips of about 3m. While he’s got to find more – of course – the race will be run to suit, and the way he won his novice Grade 1s on soft (with a JLT second, too) gives me hope. The other horse to potentially benefit from the race panning out this way is Road to Respect (4/1 generally), who has swerved the Gold Cup for a tilt at this. If his jumping is better today, then I can definitely see him coming off a hot pace to pick up the pieces and win it around jumping the last or even in the home straight. I’d want Monalee and Footpad at bigger prices; Un De Sceaux may be getting long in the tooth and is in a very deep renewal; and I don’t think Frodon will have the race run to suit. I can’t make a case for others at bigger prices, so this is it for me for the Ryanair. Stayers’ Hurdle This will probably go to Paisley Park. He’s looked phenomenal this year and is a well-deserved 7/4 or so favourite, with wins in the Long Walk and Cleeve Hurdles. I will therefore not be opposing him for win purposes, but with 18 runners, it’s worth having a look at the firms that offer four places (BetVictor, Coral, Ladbrokes and a couple of others that don’t count). Bapaume (22/1 each way with Coral and BetVictor, 1/5 1-4) ran well behind Presenting Percy last time out, and generally has looked solid behind Apple’s Jade too (though she disappointed on Tuesday – but I’d expressed my doubts about her liking for Cheltenham). There was a Grade 1 second place in France last May, and a tidy Grade 2 win over shorter – I think Bapaume is a model of consistency and thus I’m hoping to see a place accordingly. I don’t think anything else in the race is really worth backing: Faugheen is too short and would make for a great story; Supasundae is too often a silver medallist and at 8/1 isn’t worth getting on board; Bacardys likes a fall… and I won’t continue, but you get my thinking, I presume. Brown Advisory Plate Most bookies are offering five places. Only Bet365 are offering 1/4 odds with five places, so every tip will be with them. I’m not surprised they’re offering such good terms, though – this is a very tricky race to unpack. My go-to workings will involve trends in the race and from stables/yards – for the Plate, we can see Gigginstown have a decent enough record. Surprisingly they don’t come mob-handed to handicaps, and they have just one runner this year, Valseur Lido. 33/1 is the right price for a horse out of sorts and I won’t be taking it. However, Venetia Williams sends two to this race, and her record is excellent. She’s had 20 runners, of whom two have won and two have placed, which is a great strike rate. She has been rubbish with her charges in most every other handicap, but the Plate is the one to zone in on. To that end, with both Gardefort and Didero Vallis at 25/1 with Bet365, I’ll be having a small interest on them. Not a tip, but Kauto Riko flies the flag for the /HorseRacingUK subreddit, and I’ll be very happy if he wins! Mares’ Novices’ Hurdle Epatante is well-backed and too short for it. She looks very classy, but hasn’t beaten much, so in what is a pretty competitive field for this sort of race, we’ll be taking her on. Sinoria (8/1 with Hills and 365) is a very attractive price, and was intended to run in the Ballymore, but moves here after Honeysuckle’s injury. Her win last time out has been franked by Chosen Mate, who was odds on for a Grade 2 event, and I think she’s completely the wrong price. Also interesting is Lust For Glory (20/1 each way with Bet365, 1/4 1-3), who is three times the price of Posh Trish, with whom she essentially shares form. Thus, at a price, I’m happy to get on board. Not a race I know too much about, so the stakes will be limited accordingly. Kim Muir Bet365 again come up trumps with five places at 1/4 odds. Then again, it’s another very difficult race to make something of, with the head of the market well looked up, and so many other contenders abound. I won’t have a bet on this one – good luck if you do! Tips Summary 1.30 – Kildisart @ 9/1 – 0.75pts win 2.10 – Walk To Freedom @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Will Hill, 1/5 1-5) 2.10 – Aaron Lad @ 14/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Paddy Power or Betfair, 1/5 1-6) 2.50 – Terrefort @ 25/1 – 0.5pts e/w (BetVictor, 1/5 1-4) 2.50 – Road To Respect @ 4/1 – 0.75pts win 3.30 – Bapaume @ 22/1 – 0.25pts e/w (Coral or BetVictor, 1/5 1-4) 4.10 – Gardefort @ 25/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Bet365, 1/4 1-5) 4.10 – Didero Vallis @ 25/1 – 0.5pts e/w (same as above) 4.50 – Sinoria @ 8/1 – 1pt win (Will Hill or Bet365) 4.50 – Lust For Glory @ 20/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Bet365, 1/4 1-3) That’s 9pts in play. We don’t need much to come in to profit – let’s go!
The Barclays is back boys, which means the managerial merry go round is about to hit the accelerator and kick into overdrive. This cruel fairground ride is bound to claim a fair share of victims over the course of the season, but who will be first? Last year Frank de Boer took home the gold in a record smashing 4(!) games; surely nobody will leave their club as fast as the Dutchman, but here’s my personal take on how each manager may fair this season. AFC Bournemouth – Eddie Howe Bournemouth are weird aren’t they. They’ve become somewhat of a Premier League mainstay, whilst maintaining the feeling of being a Championship side. I like them, they’re cool. Another cool thing is the man at the helm ‘future England manager,’ Eddie Howe. He’s done an insanely fantastic job in getting his side to this stage and is a club legend for sure, even if the club struggle, I can’t see Howe being sacked. Stranger things have happened in football, such as Robert Green going to Chelsea, but Howe staying put seems inevitable. Sack Race odds: 20/1 (All odds from SkyBet) Arsenal – Unai Emery It still doesn’t quite feel real to talk about Arsenal sans Arsene Wenger; he’s been the gunners’ leader for the entire span of my interest in football, but all good things must come to an end, and good things can be birthed from such endings, so in comes the Europa League specialist, Unai Emery. Will he be sacked first? Almost certainly not, in fact, Emery seems like he is poised for success with the London club, with a host of important new signings and a proven philosophy. However, I can’t help but get flashbacks to when David Moyes replaced Sir Alex Ferguson. The burden was too large, Moyes drank from the poison chalice of management, causing his tactical brain to explode, and he never truly recovered. Hopefully for Unai, this chalice is slightly less poisonous and he can work some magic when stepping into Wenger’s shoes. Sack Race odds: 33/1 Brighton and Hove Albion – Chris Hughton What a lovely man Hughton is, he’s worked harder than anyone to make it in the Premier League. It wasn’t meant to be at Newcastle or Norwich, but little Chris has found his true love at the Amex Stadium. Brighton sailed to a highly successful maiden season in the Premier League, and a vast amount of that credit has to go to Hughton. He changed things up by adding the likes of Schelotto over club legend Bruno, allowed Pascal Groß to work his magic feet and played to the strengths of Glenn Murray, who ended up bagging 11 league goals. Second season syndrome looms in the air, but if Hughton keeps it fresh again his love affair on the south coast will continue to blossom. Sack Race odds: 16/1 Burnley – Sean Dyche If the 2018/2019 managerial sack race is won by Sean Dyche, I’ll eat a worm. Dyche is everything that makes Burnley tick, he and the club are basically those two old fellas you see in the pub every night drinking dark mild, it’s an unbreakable bond. Dyche is well aware of the club’s strengths, weaknesses and how to squeeze the best out of every fixture. The only issue rearing its ugly head is that of overachievement and squad depth; Europa League qualification was something nobody could have predicted for the claret side and people surely can’t expect Dyche and company to repeat the feat this year, especially with the extra burden of having to get his paper thin squad through a highly populated fixture list. Sack Race odds: 20/1 Cardiff City – Neil Warnock Neil Warnock is somehow not the favourite to depart his side quickest this season. Warnock has forever been the Premier League bridesmaid, but never the bride, as whilst he has a very impressive Championship record, he’s never cut the mustard in the top division. He sits in the void between Premier League and Championship alongside the likes of Lewis Grabban, Dwight Gayle and Cameron Jerome, in that they’re all too good for the Championship but simply are not built for the trial and tribulations of the Premier League. Sadly for Warnock, his success will again be his own downfall. Sack Race odds: 8/1 Chelsea – Maurizio Sarri Sarriball is an interesting entity in football. It’ll entertain, it’ll win hearts and minds, but as of yet, it has failed to win a top level trophy. Will his stylish brand win one this year? I think not. Whilst his tactics are excellent and his style is easy on the eye, it takes time to implement such a system, especially in an entirely new league. Undoubtedly Sarri needs a sufficient tenure to implement his intelligent plan, so sacking him before even giving him a hope of getting everything in place would be pure madness, even from a notoriously non-reactionary, cool headed fellow such as Roman Abramovich. Sack Race odds: 33/1 Crystal Palace – Roy Hodgson Roy the boy rides again! At the tender age of 70 (the oldest in the league) Hodgson enters his first full season with Crystal Palace after working wonders there last season. With De Boer at the wheel the club were on a highway to hell (a.k.a the Championship) but Hodgson steered them to safety and got everyone at Crystals nightclub grooving again. He’s been there and done it all before so when it’s all said and done I wouldn’t be surprised to see Roy standing tall once again. Who knows, if he has an incredible showing, maybe he could be England manager one day… Sack Race odds: 20/1 Everton – Marco Silva I’ll save you the classic Paul Merson jokes, but Mr Silva has proven quite popular in the top division hasn’t he. Silva laid his roots at Hull, then started turning up trees with Watford, before proving to be a thorn in his own side after getting his head turned by the Ev in the winter. Everton finally got their man and should he be able to get them playing like Watford early last season, they’ll be off to a flyer. The question mark however, is on the defensive side. Silva knows how to get his creative players into the game but his teams are often leakier than the Titanic, which doesn’t bode well for England’s world cup hero Jordan Pickford. Sack Race odds: 18/1 Fulham – Slavisa Jokanovic Are you a football hipster? Do you like walking down the river side to your favourite cereal café? Do you love nothing more than your team’s home ground to be an old hunting lodge? Well Fulham is the team for you and Slavisa Jokanovic might just be your new best friend. Jokanovic has hauled his team back to the big time by having each and every one of his players invest in his brand of attractive, attacking football. Now with the likes of Mitrovic, Seri, Schurrle, Sessegnon and Cairney at the manager’s disposal we could be looking at the breakout team of the season and a influx of new Fulham fans from across the globe. Sack Race odds: 20/1 Huddersfield Town – David Wagner I mentioned second season syndrome before with Brighton, but the eerie stench smells much greater in regards to Huddersfield. They almost burnt out last year and despite signing some decent players (Kongolo permanently, Durm, Sobhi etc.) they are once again, a firm favourite for the drop. The question that is begged then is this, will a bad season see Wagner be sacked in a bid to change the fortunes of the club? I would say possibly yes. Whilst before I did speak of the love towards Dyche and Howe from their clubs, in this world of money and power there is little room for loyalty in football anymore, and Wagner is a man I fear for if things begin to go south. Sack Race odds: 16/1 Leicester City – Claude Puel Tensions got nasty between Puel and Leicester last season. There were warm beginnings due to the removal of Craig Shakespeare, but if there’s two things Leicester fans do not like it’s, 1.) winning just three games in fourteen to end the season, and 2.) playing a boring style of football. He’s certainly one of the favourites to win the sack race, despite his side being expected to finish around the middle of the table, so I would be extremely fearful for his head if Leicester don’t kick off well. After all, this is the board that sacked Ranieri after he pulled off the impossible dream. Sack Race odds: 7/1 Liverpool – Jurgen Klopp Despite Klopp being at the helm of Liverpool for less than three years, it just feels right that he’s there. Like hand in glove, bacon and egg, Northern Rail and cancelling trains; they just fit together. They’ve signed better than any of their Premier League rivals and finally have the squad depth to mount a challenge on all fronts. Anything less than top 4 (maybe even 3) and a decent run in the Champion’s League would be a disappointment, but it seems written in the stars that Klopp will once again deliver what is expected from the Kop faithful. Sack Race odds: 80/1 Manchester City – Pep Guardiola City fans must be glad all over that they have Pep at the helm, at the City board surely feel the same. The blue half of Manchester exploded into life last season and performed to a level which many would say was the greatest showing in Premier League history. Pep has the highest odds on winning the sack race, and rightly so, as this season they look to have even more firepower with Mahrez arriving, and further stability with Foden and Laporte vying for first team action. They’ll probably win the league again, just hopefully not at such a canter to make things interesting. For now though, his bald-fraudometer reading remains at zero. Sack Race odds: 100/1 Manchester United – Jose Mourinho From the bookies’ least fancied, to their most fancied; Jose Mourinho is on the brink of destruction at Manchester United it would seem. Mourinho’s that fella that you have in your five-a-side team who does some daft skill in his own half, loses it, you concede, but he never accepts that he’s in the wrong it up, and instead throws a paddy and blames everyone else. He’s already fallen out with a plethora of people at Old Trafford including: Luke Shaw, Ed Woodward and even his own fans’ home support. Plus, with his reign at Chelsea ending in tears following a conspiracy and tirade against Eva Carneiro, we can expect some fireworks to fly during Mourinho press conferences this year, and further rifts between the man, the fans and the board will quite likely lead to Mourinho leaving the club before too long. Sack Race odds: 5/1 Newcastle United – Rafa Benitez Poor old Rafa. He’s always a gentleman and shouldn’t have to put up with the farcical nonsense that is Mike Ashley. He worked wonders keeping his paper thin side in the Premier League last season and he should have been rewarded with some impressive new recruits. Ashley being Ashley though (Newcastle haven’t broken their transfer record since signing Michael Owen in 2005) means that instead of quality new faces Benitez has been forced to search the bargain bins at Poundland yet again. For all of the above, I personally believe Rafa will be the manager to leave his club first. He won’t be sacked, surely Mike Ashley isn’t that stupid, instead Rafa may well step down. The man is simply too wonderful a coach to put up with the endless idiocy he’s been served up in the North East, and instead he should seek healthier options elsewhere. Sack Race odds: 8/1 Southampton – Mark Hughes I fully ate my words last season, when Hughes took over at Southampton I thought they were doomed, but he actually did a decent job and kept them in the league thanks to a few tidy results. I can’t help but not like Hughes though, maybe it’s his arrogant personality, maybe it’s that he cares way too much about handshakes, who knows. The Welshman’s issue this time round is the lack of new arrivals and the constant question of, where will the goals come from in this Southampton team? Will Charlie Austin be able to stay fit enough to kick it in the net? Wil the loan of Danny Ings be a success? Will Nathan Redmond finally be able to understand that you can run, kick and breathe all at once? Find out on this year’s edition of the Prem. Sack Race odds: 12/1 Tottenham Hotspur – Mauricio Pochettino First things first, Daniel Levy got a taste of his own medicine and completely fluffed this transfer window. After years of squeezing every penny out of teams to get a stellar deal, here’s a comprehensive list of Spurs’ 2018 summer signings: nobody. Pochettino would be safe at Spurs regardless of league position, but this shambolic transfer window means that he will get even more leeway in what is expected to be a disappointing league season following years of success. Plus, with Real Madrid plucking Lopetegui over Pochettino recently too, I don’t see any reason why Poch would depart the new White Hart Lane in the near future. Sack Race odds: 50/1 Watford – Javi Gracia I actually had to Google ‘who is the Watford manager?’ only to be greeted with the completely forgettable answer of Javi Gracia. Outside of a 4-1 win against Chelsea, his run at the helm of the Hornets has had very little sting behind it, which likely will continue through 2018/2019. Without a doubt Gracia will be relying on his defence in order to keep his team up, and salvage his own job. Last season their top scorer was Abdoulaye Doucouré (who I cannot believe wasn’t snapped up) with 7 goals, and their blunted strikeforce consists of a fat guy on £100,000 per week (Deeney), a fat guy with a poor injury history (Okaka) and a skinny guy who’s Premier League goal ratio is 1 in every 4.5 games (Gray). Sack Race odds: 8/1 West Ham – Manuel Pellegrini West Ham live in a constant state of insanity. Their board have consistently lied to the fans about plans, both on the pitch and in terms of the stadium change, leaving many long-time Hammers fans disgruntled with their beloved team. Stability may have arrived in the backroom however, as experienced head Manuel Pellegrini, who must have rocks in his head to take this role, takes to the hot seat at the London Stadium. Pairing such a successful manager with a plethora of exciting signings: Wilshire, Yarmolenko, Anderson, Sanchez and Perez amongst others, means that West Ham should be able to secure an impressive finish this time round. Sack Race odds: 18/1 Wolverhampton Wanderers – Nuno Espírito Santo Rounding off our band of merry men we have another gentleman who may become a victim of his own success. Wolves are back in the big time after six years of absence, and they’ve gone super-size on their transfer dealings, assembling arguably the most luscious squad a promoted side has ever forged. I question whether Nuno as the managerial nous required to cut it in the top division, and considering the fact that Wolves have gone all in this summer, they could end up searching for a more prestigious manager if a fast start escapes them. Fun fact though, Nuno was born in São Tomé and Príncipe, which is cool. Sack Race odds: 18/1 There you have it then folks, the Premier League sack (or leave you club because of gross mismanagement) is on. My front runners have to be Warnock, Mourinho and Benitez, but I’d love to here who’s job you are fearful for this time round.
https://valueburglar.wordpress.com/2019/03/14/cheltenham-festival-2019-day-4-tips/ Well, it’s fair to say that Day 3 didn’t go to plan. I tipped terribly by and large, resulting in 4pts loss, with a couple of places to ensure it wasn’t a total disaster. A great day for punters generally though, with a few favourites and other well-backed horses obliging. Still, we’re in it for the long run, and there’s another day of the Festival to have a go at. Follow at your discretion. Or don’t. Let’s see what happens! Triumph Hurdle A big race to kick off the day, with Sir Erec a well-backed favourite. So well backed, in fact, that’s he’s currently odds on – which means I’d say he’s there for the taking, despite being the most likely winner. Our pick in doing so is the ex-French Pic D’Orhy (8/1 each way with Bet365, 1/4 1-3), whose second in a Grade 1 represents very useful form. Paul Nicholls won the Fred Winter in 2016 with a former French recruit making his British debut, and I rather think Pic D’Orhy would be able to do similar. He was working with Ryanair winner Frodon last week, which is an added bonus. I was going to have a chance on Hannon at a huge 40/1, but his form line through Chosen Mate has weakened after Sinoria ended up nowhere in the Mares’ Novices’ on Thursday. The others don’t make too much appeal – Tiger Tap Tap (Walsh/Mullins) has a lot to do to step up; Quel Destin will be running prominently and is therefore likely to be picked off; and Gardens of Babylon has 6L to find with Sir Erec. While Pentland Hills is unexposed and Adjali could bounce back, there are still question marks lingering over them – and the rest I’ve not mentioned – so I’ll stick with Pic. County Hurdle A wide open Grade 3, as it usually is. Time to refer to that handicap analysis thread on The Fat Jockey again, and we can see that Willie Mullins and Paul Nicholls are the two trainers with the most consistency in this race. Mullins saddles three, including the favourite Whiskey Sour, who is prohibitively short, but Mr Adjudicator (12/1 each way with Bet365, 1/4 1-5) looks like a decent each-way bet with Paul Townend on board. His second on reappearance this year came behind Champion Hurdle winner Espoir D’Allen, and he was also second in the Triumph last year. This, allied with his trainer’s record in the race, is enough for me. Nicholls saddles just the one chance in Capitaine (12/1 with Bet365 as above), and though he may be better right-handed, he won a useful Grade 2 prize at Taunton last time out. He should come on for a wind operation and have a good say. Albert Bartlett Again, hugely open. The current ones at single digit prices all seem attractive, but a few are a little young and inexperienced – including Allaho. I’ve heard that Ruby Walsh reckons he has a massive chance despite his age, and he’s unexposed, but I’m not going to venture against trends with him. Equally, Birchdale is inexperienced – but clearly a smart prospect for Geraghty and Henderson – and Lisnagar Oscar might find this ground unsuitable. Both Commander of Fleet and Dickie Diver have a lot to like about them, but at a slightly bigger price I like Derrinross (12/1 each way with Coral, 1/5 1-5!), who would be much less under the radar if a Mullins/Elliott runner, but as he’s trained by Philip Dempsey, the odds still look good. I want value further down, especially with Coral’s five places, and the Hutchinson/King combo of Alsa Mix (33/1 each way with Coral as above) could provide some. Despite a fading 6th in the Challow last time out, her Grade 2 win at Sandown on heavy looked like a true staying performance, and I fancy a revival. Gold Cup The big one. Nearly every bookmaker is paying 4 places at 1/5 odds and there’s so much that’s been said about this race already that I don’t feel the need to add more here. We have some good quality in this race, and the market knows this accordingly, so value will be quite difficult to find. Bellshill would have been about 16s or 20s if he hadn’t won the Irish Gold Cup, and without Ruby on board, for a trainer desperately seeking to win the showpiece for the first time. However, I’m backing him to do so via Kemboy (11/1 each way Betfair, BetVictor, Paddy Power, 1/5 1-4), who ran very well on merit at Leopardstown over Christmas. He’s not exposed over 3 miles, and likely to appreciate an extra couple of furlongs. Of course, Presenting Percy has always had this as the aim; Native River is the defending champion; and Clan Des Obeaux has won well this year but stamina is a question. At bigger prices, not much stands out – maybe Invitation Only at 33s if he can sort out his jumping, but I’m going to stick with just the one in this race and enjoy what should be an absolute cracker. Foxhunter Challenge Cup Oh, I’d love to see a Pacha Du Polder hat trick in this race, but after a 55L defeat in his reappearance run, I can’t have much faith even at 20/1. The victor that day, Road to Rome (8/1 with Betfair, Paddy Power and others), is under a fantastic run and has the estimable Sam Waley-Cohen on board. We’ll take a chance on the ground and he’s a leading contender. At a huge price I fancy last year’s dead heater for third, Cousin Pete (40/1 each way with above bookies, 1/5 1-4), who looked back on song at Garthorpe in his most recent outing. He likes Cheltenham and I think he’s way overpriced at the moment. There are too many horses to talk about in this race and I think there’s loads of value away from the top six (all single figures), who have rather shown enough of themselves in the betting for the bookies to act accordingly. Grand Annual I must confess, I’ve not studied this one. However, with William Hill offering five places (1/5 odds), it would be rude not to avail oneself of their best odds on Gino Trail (20/1 each way, terms above), who rarely finishes out of the frame and is capable of a huge run. Second to Le Prezien in this last year, and a good win making all over C&D in December 2017, I think he’s a good value play for a place. Martin Pipe Yet again it’s time to consult the handicap guide from Fat Jockey, and the conclusions for this race are obvious: Gigginstown do well; Davy Russell has an excellent handicap record; Mullins and Nicholls are alright; and David Pipe (who of course wants a win) is good each-way. With multiple places offered by most bookies, it seems prudent to take Defi Bleu (14/1 each way with William Hill, 1/5 1-5) at the prices. He stays well, and if he can be a bit more fluent over the hurdles, he can definitely be in the mix. I’ve already highlighted ten runners, and the Martin Pipe isn’t a race I’m too hot on, so I’ll leave my Cheltenham there. A quick roundup – Dallas Des Pictons is a worthy Gigginstown favourite, if short; Early Doors was good in this last year; Discordantly could go well at a price… And there are too many more to mention. Tips Summary 1.30 – Pic D’Orhy @ 8/1 – 0.75pts e/w (Bet365, 1/4 1-3) 2.10 – Mr Adjudicator @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Bet365, 1/4 1-5) 2.10 – Capitaine @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Bet365) 2.50 – Derrinross @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Coral, 1/5 1-5) 2.50 – Alsa Mix @ 33/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Coral) 3.30 – Kemboy @ 11/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Betfair, BetVictor, Paddy Power, 1/5 1-4) 4.10 – Road To Rome @ 8/1 – 1pt win (Betfair, Paddy Power and others) 4.10 – Cousin Pete @ 40/1 – 0.25pts e/w (above bookies, 1/5 1-4) 4.50 – Gino Trail @ 20/1 – 0.5pts e/w (William Hill, 1/5 1-5) 5.30 – Defi Bleu @ 14/1 – 0.5pts e/w (William Hill, 1/5 1-5) That’s 10pts in play. Here’s hoping for a huge day!
Also available at my blog. We're currently losing to the tune of 6.525pts (represents a -14.2% ROI) but it's early days yet - I've only tipped at three meetings. https://valueburglar.wordpress.com/2019/04/03/aintree-gn-festival-2019-day-one-tips/ Uttoxeter provided a lovely bit of profit with Poker Play slamming home at 25/1 for… Well, probably just for me, as you’d have been mad to follow me on the back of Cheltenham. Here are a couple of mini thoughts ahead of the first day at Aintree – though, of course, the Big One is what it’s all about: 1.45 – La Bague Au Roi @ 13/8 – 2pts win. She gets 7lbs and Greatrex swerved Cheltenham with Aintree always as the plan. I can’t help but think she’s the most likely winner and I’m happy to be an unimaginative favourite back for once. Kalashnikov and Glen Forsa weren’t as tidy as many seem to think over the Arkle before the URs, so I’m happy to take them on. 2.20 – Christopher Wood @ 12/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Betfair and Paddy Power, 1/5 1-3). With nine runners and three places in this race, we’ve got near-optimal value thievery, and Christopher Wood is similar in some respects to Pentland Hills in terms of exposure before the latter’s Triumph victory (marred, of course, by the devastating fatality of Sir Erec). He can only beat what’s against him, and did so very well the last twice, so can definitely come on and take a chunk out of one of the top three – most likely Fakir D’Oudairies in the market. 2.50 – Kemboy @ 5/2 – 2pts win (Bet365, Sky Bet and others). He’s essentially fresh after unseating at the first in the Gold Cup (easily excused as tight for room), and the more I look back at his Leopardstown win at Christmas, the more I like his chances. The price is probably fair, but again, I’m happy to be unimaginative. 3.25 – no bet. Buveur D’Air should win this. Maybe Silver Streak can be admirable in defeat again, but this isn’t really a race for me, despite Silver Streak, Summerville Boy and Brain Power all offering each way scumbaggery options. 4.05 – Seefood @ 16/1 – 0.5pts e/w (Ladbrokes, PP, Coral, 1/5 1-5). A very open race in which I think Road to Rome is definitely the most likely winner, but the odds are prohibitive. As with all double figure priced shots, we have risks attached here, but he knows the fences and won last time out, so worth a shot with five places paid. 4.40 – Lady Buttons @ 8/1 – 1pt win (365, PP, Betfair and others), and Movie Legend @ 16/1 – 0.5pts e/w (SkyBet, Hills, PP etc – 1/5 1-5). I think 8s is a fair price for Lady Buttons, who’s really likeable and has run very very well over all obstacles this season. Movie Legend looks potentially progressive though this demands more, but he’s been incredibly consistent and I hope that can continue.
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